So this week has been a crazy academic week and thus sleep has not really come. This week I've either woken up every hour or woken up about 5 times per night. (Waking up 5 times per night was the better of the sleeping patterns this week). Add on top of my basically little sleep for 4 nights, classes, work, and studying for a midterm for 15 hours over 2 days and you get Cait with a fried brain.
Now I remember everything that we did last night but I was at the point that I was so exhausted that it appeared that I was drunk. I don't think I was walking all to straight, I kept closing my eyes and leaning on things and of course saying things that were ridiculous and I really should have just been keeping my mouth shut.
For instance two of my friends were talking about a girl that they both knew. One of my friends thought that she was really pretty, and friend1 asked friend2 if she thought she was pretty. friend2 had this long paused I jumped in with "that means she's UGGGGGGGGGGG-LLLLLYYYYY" and then I banged my starbucks cup onto the table.
That was just the warm up. At this point we were at a friends house. Then we went out. My housemate and I to get food and the boys to drink. The way there I told one of the boys that i was mad at me - but said so after interrupting a conversation that they were having that had nothing to do with me - and then went on to explain why i was mad at him in really long drawn out sentences that really didn't make much sense i'm sure.
My housemate totally took care of me - aka making sure that i didn't get hit by a car and telling me which way to go. And also putting up with all of the ridiculous things that I was saying.
Anyway, we (my housemate and I) got food - poutine and Vietnamese (we shared poutine and each got our own Vietnamese) and then we came home and I ended up going to bed around 9:30 or 9:45 pm. and woke up at about 11 am this morning.
Before I went to bed I called my mom who said I sounded really out of it when I called her again this morning to let her know that I was alive and well and that I had slept. And then a friend of mine called and a friend of mine's mother called too and they both woke me up, but I have no idea what I said to them.
I'm not doing any school work today. My brain still hurts a bit and I'm still a bit tired lol. A couple of us are going rock climbing soon, which is going to fun. Even if it's -15 outside and we have to walk there. Don't worry I promise I'll behave and not get tied up in ropes or anything.
So uh Cait's life lesson of the day: sleep is an extremely good idea.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The Artist's Waltz
She sketched.
Her pencil dancing
an intricate waltz
across the page.
She was lost to the world,
to bill payments, to dishes,
to the music wailing away
next door.
There was nothing but this moment,
this dance, this leap of faith.
Beneath her hand, a door opened
spilling out her conscious and unconscious thoughts
on the subject at hand.
The dress flowed around the sketched girl,
thin strapped, V-lined, cinched in all the right places
it captured her, held her, a beautiful prisoner.
She took further shape
as the minutes ticked by.
Details appeared - made by only the faintest of strokes,
the faintest of lines.
Stepping back, coming up for air,
the sketch was complete.
A dress that bedazzled took centre stage
so beautiful, so detailed.
It was impossible not to touch, and feel the fabric
running through your fingers.
Life like, gorgeous,
she turned the page,
taking up her pencil
once again.
Her pencil dancing
an intricate waltz
across the page.
She was lost to the world,
to bill payments, to dishes,
to the music wailing away
next door.
There was nothing but this moment,
this dance, this leap of faith.
Beneath her hand, a door opened
spilling out her conscious and unconscious thoughts
on the subject at hand.
The dress flowed around the sketched girl,
thin strapped, V-lined, cinched in all the right places
it captured her, held her, a beautiful prisoner.
She took further shape
as the minutes ticked by.
Details appeared - made by only the faintest of strokes,
the faintest of lines.
Stepping back, coming up for air,
the sketch was complete.
A dress that bedazzled took centre stage
so beautiful, so detailed.
It was impossible not to touch, and feel the fabric
running through your fingers.
Life like, gorgeous,
she turned the page,
taking up her pencil
once again.
Else Where
I'm not here.
Perhaps it looks like I am.
Perhaps you see my body
with my converse shoes
that move absentmindedly,
my chest that breathes
under my sweater,
my hand that picks up my travel mug
But it's a mirage.
You've made a mistake,
For I'm not here.
I am Else Where.
I am where I can feel
the touch of the wind on my face.
I am where I can breathe in
the wet ground, sweet with life.
I am where I can hear the trees
whispering histories to each other.
I have journeyed far from myself,
journeyed deep into myself.
Please leave a message
For I'm not here.
Perhaps it looks like I am.
Perhaps you see my body
with my converse shoes
that move absentmindedly,
my chest that breathes
under my sweater,
my hand that picks up my travel mug
But it's a mirage.
You've made a mistake,
For I'm not here.
I am Else Where.
I am where I can feel
the touch of the wind on my face.
I am where I can breathe in
the wet ground, sweet with life.
I am where I can hear the trees
whispering histories to each other.
I have journeyed far from myself,
journeyed deep into myself.
Please leave a message
For I'm not here.
Shh.
Shh. Don't speak.
Your voice, it hurts my ears,
it grates against my bones.
Shh. Just listen.
Listen to the rain that falls,
the grass that grows.
Listen to the silence.
Shh.
Why are you still speaking?
It's hard not to listen to you.
Your voice is drowning out my silence,
drowning out my voice.
Shh.
Your voice, it hurts my ears,
it grates against my bones.
Shh. Just listen.
Listen to the rain that falls,
the grass that grows.
Listen to the silence.
Shh.
Why are you still speaking?
It's hard not to listen to you.
Your voice is drowning out my silence,
drowning out my voice.
Shh.
Stage Fright
The light gleams down on me.
I'm standing there - alone
with a thousand faces watching me.
Well, not a thousand - alright, an exaggeration,
maybe...30.
Still 30. Alright, 20.
All watching me,
waiting for me to speak,
to utter brilliance,
it's so not happening.
Ok. So maybe there's only 10.
Still.
They're waiting in expectation,
for what, is beyond comprehension.
Alright. Let's be honest. There's 5.
Their faces, they swim before my eyes.
I look out into the crowd.
Alright. I lied. There's only me,
looking into the mirror
but I'm still scared.
I'm standing there - alone
with a thousand faces watching me.
Well, not a thousand - alright, an exaggeration,
maybe...30.
Still 30. Alright, 20.
All watching me,
waiting for me to speak,
to utter brilliance,
it's so not happening.
Ok. So maybe there's only 10.
Still.
They're waiting in expectation,
for what, is beyond comprehension.
Alright. Let's be honest. There's 5.
Their faces, they swim before my eyes.
I look out into the crowd.
Alright. I lied. There's only me,
looking into the mirror
but I'm still scared.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
i have realized that
- this week i will not be getting a lot of sleep
- i need to buy a new travel mug because it will in the long run save me money - and time.
- people never say what you expect or want them to say
- the presentation that i have to work on is going to be more difficult that i anticipated
- i'm a music junkie - i constantly need new songs to listen to
- this week i'm a lot more anxious than i have been in a while
- it is damn cold in my room at the moment
- what i want from life is going to be hard to get and that even though i know what i want, it doesn't mean that i know how i'm going to go about getting it
- there are many other people sitting in the same boat as me - lets face it people the boat sucks sometimes.
- reading and studying about mental disorders before i go to bed does not make for a good bedtime story
- i am totally procrastinating and yet it feels so good to do so
Sunday, February 22, 2009
vic lit or pulp fiction?
Ok, so I realize that I have a ton of work to do - as in a book to read and part of another book to read, plus some studying to do, all for this week coming up. And yet I really want to watch Pulp Fiction instead. See, I've never seen it.
*pause for the gasps of horror*
Yeah apparently it's one of the must see movies of life. And I've never seen it. So I borrowed it from a friend of mine and it's sitting here on the table beside me.
So now the question is: To read Vic lit or watch Pulp Fiction?
Yeah, no contest.
*pause for the gasps of horror*
Yeah apparently it's one of the must see movies of life. And I've never seen it. So I borrowed it from a friend of mine and it's sitting here on the table beside me.
So now the question is: To read Vic lit or watch Pulp Fiction?
Yeah, no contest.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
the crazy to do
I realize that it's been a week since my last post - and I feel the need to post, the problem is that I really have nothing interesting to say.
Right now it's reading week, and I got back to Kingston on Tuesday night after spending a couple of days in Toronto with my family. I also got all of my passport stuff handed in and I found out that on the way back from New Zealand we're stopping in Hawaii for 3 days. Isn't that sweet?! I'm really stoked.
At the moment I'm sitting on my couch in Kingston with a cup of tea and a ton of books and readings that of course have to be read for next week. Why is that there is always so much more to do than you have time for? How does this happen? And even when you get things done - such as the chapter of psych that I just finished reading or half of my Russian history readings, the feeling of accomplishment is fleeting because there are still 3 more chapters of psych, more Russian history, and a novel to read for Vic lit, to list but a few things.
Is this how life is always going to be? More than you have time for? And why is that the important things get shafted for the other things that aren't as important but necessary to do? How do you get everything all done?
The plan of attack at the moment is drink a lot of caffeine, bunker down, plow through readings, and slowly cross things off of the to-do list.
Sad but true: I love crossing things off a to-do list.
Right now it's reading week, and I got back to Kingston on Tuesday night after spending a couple of days in Toronto with my family. I also got all of my passport stuff handed in and I found out that on the way back from New Zealand we're stopping in Hawaii for 3 days. Isn't that sweet?! I'm really stoked.
At the moment I'm sitting on my couch in Kingston with a cup of tea and a ton of books and readings that of course have to be read for next week. Why is that there is always so much more to do than you have time for? How does this happen? And even when you get things done - such as the chapter of psych that I just finished reading or half of my Russian history readings, the feeling of accomplishment is fleeting because there are still 3 more chapters of psych, more Russian history, and a novel to read for Vic lit, to list but a few things.
Is this how life is always going to be? More than you have time for? And why is that the important things get shafted for the other things that aren't as important but necessary to do? How do you get everything all done?
The plan of attack at the moment is drink a lot of caffeine, bunker down, plow through readings, and slowly cross things off of the to-do list.
Sad but true: I love crossing things off a to-do list.
Friday, February 13, 2009
an essay on hugs
Many people do not understand that hugging is a serious business.
Don't laugh.
It is.
Hugs have the ability and the power to make you feel awkward, comforted, breathless (quite literally) and loved. They have the ability to show you that there is someone out there in this crazy world that will hold onto you when you need it - such as when you are shattered and broken. Many things can be conveyed with a simple hug. And personally I think that the hug has been shafted in society and that people underestimate it.
I have broken down the world of hugs into 6 categories - yes 6. It seems like it's alot, but really it isn't, I promise.
The Awkward Hug:
The awkward hug occurs when two people who have no business hugging, hug. This usually happens when people are moving from the acquaintance stage into the friend stage. I mean how awkward is it when one person moves in for the hug and the other doesnt? OR when they both decide that hugging is appropriate, but then they think too much about it and mess it up. Such as trying to figure out, as the hug is happening, who's arms go where kind of thing. I mean that's awkward and it's even more awkward when you're on a public street or something and trying to figure this out.
The Man Hug:
The man hug amuses me I'm not going to lie. You know what it is. You've seen it. It's the clasp opposite hands, pull each other in, one arm hug/clasp thing. This type of hug I have to admit is rather versatile. I mean it can be a quick thing that says goodbye or hello. But it can also be a deep kind of man to man hug. I know that men don't like to admit it (stereotypically) but sometimes they need an emotional moment. Sometimes they need someone to hold onto when things get rough. The man hug can definitely cover that need. Like I said, a versatile hug.
The Solid Good Hug:
The solid good hug lumps in all of the hugs that just feel good. The ones where you, for a brief second, can relax in someone elses arms. They're the ones you give and recieve, for example, when you see your mum (hey, mums are special, they always give and get good hugs). When you get or give one of these hugs (from your mum or someone else) you feel good all the way down to your toes. This hug conveys that you are loved very much and makes you realize that sometimes you forget how loved you are.
The Bone Crusher Hug:
The bone crusher hug is a dangerous hug and should not be attempted or received by someone who has breathing problems such as asthma (and if it is - then a puffer should be nearby and handy). This hug I find is generally used with female best friends - especially if they haven't seen each other in a long time. It's the hug that screams OH MY GOODNESS ITS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! YOU LOOK SO GOOD! DON'T I LOOK GOOD? WE NEED TO CATCH UP RIGHT NOW! It's the hug that actually hurts and actually takes your breath away. It's a very good hug however, it gets the energy flowing and tugs on your heart strings. It is also garenteed to make you laugh - probably into hysterics.
The Hold On For Dear Life Hug:
This hug is crucial. It's the hug that you give someone or you receive when you have been stepped on and broken - spiritualy, emotional, mentally. It's the hug someone gives you when you are on the verge of giving up, when the world has turned into a cruel place. It's the hug you give when someone's heart has been shattered. It's the hug you give when someone needs to just fall apart and cry.
This hug shows why hugging is so important and so necessary to life. Everyone, at some point in their lives suffers terribly. They lose it and fall apart completely. The person who gives this hug holds the sufferer together. Holds them and carries their burden when that person simply can't for the time being. The person who gives this hug becomes a lifeline. Never underestimate how necessary this hug is.
The God/Universe Hug:
Insert which word depending on your beliefs, but this hug is given by God or by the universe. It's a hug that you feel inside yourself. It could almost be called a Soul Hug. It's when the inside of you is touched and you feel that everything is right with the world, or that everything will be right with the world. It's when you feel like anything is possible. Sometimes it needs a trigger, like when you see a random act of kindness, such as a man buying a subway sandwich for a homeless man because it's the right thing to do. And you hope. Or when you have that crazy perfect day, which is one of those days that you will remember forever. The universe speaks people. It's hugs. Watch out of it.
See, I bet you that you never really thought about hugs this way. Hugs are important. And I'm sure that there are many more categories of hugs other than the 6 that I have mentioned. You should think about it. And maybe, just maybe, the next time you give or receive a hug you'll pause for a second and realize how necessary hugs are, and that the power of hugs should not be underestimated.
HUG!
(crap that HUG! needs a category. I leave it to you dear reader ;)
Don't laugh.
It is.
Hugs have the ability and the power to make you feel awkward, comforted, breathless (quite literally) and loved. They have the ability to show you that there is someone out there in this crazy world that will hold onto you when you need it - such as when you are shattered and broken. Many things can be conveyed with a simple hug. And personally I think that the hug has been shafted in society and that people underestimate it.
I have broken down the world of hugs into 6 categories - yes 6. It seems like it's alot, but really it isn't, I promise.
The Awkward Hug:
The awkward hug occurs when two people who have no business hugging, hug. This usually happens when people are moving from the acquaintance stage into the friend stage. I mean how awkward is it when one person moves in for the hug and the other doesnt? OR when they both decide that hugging is appropriate, but then they think too much about it and mess it up. Such as trying to figure out, as the hug is happening, who's arms go where kind of thing. I mean that's awkward and it's even more awkward when you're on a public street or something and trying to figure this out.
The Man Hug:
The man hug amuses me I'm not going to lie. You know what it is. You've seen it. It's the clasp opposite hands, pull each other in, one arm hug/clasp thing. This type of hug I have to admit is rather versatile. I mean it can be a quick thing that says goodbye or hello. But it can also be a deep kind of man to man hug. I know that men don't like to admit it (stereotypically) but sometimes they need an emotional moment. Sometimes they need someone to hold onto when things get rough. The man hug can definitely cover that need. Like I said, a versatile hug.
The Solid Good Hug:
The solid good hug lumps in all of the hugs that just feel good. The ones where you, for a brief second, can relax in someone elses arms. They're the ones you give and recieve, for example, when you see your mum (hey, mums are special, they always give and get good hugs). When you get or give one of these hugs (from your mum or someone else) you feel good all the way down to your toes. This hug conveys that you are loved very much and makes you realize that sometimes you forget how loved you are.
The Bone Crusher Hug:
The bone crusher hug is a dangerous hug and should not be attempted or received by someone who has breathing problems such as asthma (and if it is - then a puffer should be nearby and handy). This hug I find is generally used with female best friends - especially if they haven't seen each other in a long time. It's the hug that screams OH MY GOODNESS ITS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! YOU LOOK SO GOOD! DON'T I LOOK GOOD? WE NEED TO CATCH UP RIGHT NOW! It's the hug that actually hurts and actually takes your breath away. It's a very good hug however, it gets the energy flowing and tugs on your heart strings. It is also garenteed to make you laugh - probably into hysterics.
The Hold On For Dear Life Hug:
This hug is crucial. It's the hug that you give someone or you receive when you have been stepped on and broken - spiritualy, emotional, mentally. It's the hug someone gives you when you are on the verge of giving up, when the world has turned into a cruel place. It's the hug you give when someone's heart has been shattered. It's the hug you give when someone needs to just fall apart and cry.
This hug shows why hugging is so important and so necessary to life. Everyone, at some point in their lives suffers terribly. They lose it and fall apart completely. The person who gives this hug holds the sufferer together. Holds them and carries their burden when that person simply can't for the time being. The person who gives this hug becomes a lifeline. Never underestimate how necessary this hug is.
The God/Universe Hug:
Insert which word depending on your beliefs, but this hug is given by God or by the universe. It's a hug that you feel inside yourself. It could almost be called a Soul Hug. It's when the inside of you is touched and you feel that everything is right with the world, or that everything will be right with the world. It's when you feel like anything is possible. Sometimes it needs a trigger, like when you see a random act of kindness, such as a man buying a subway sandwich for a homeless man because it's the right thing to do. And you hope. Or when you have that crazy perfect day, which is one of those days that you will remember forever. The universe speaks people. It's hugs. Watch out of it.
See, I bet you that you never really thought about hugs this way. Hugs are important. And I'm sure that there are many more categories of hugs other than the 6 that I have mentioned. You should think about it. And maybe, just maybe, the next time you give or receive a hug you'll pause for a second and realize how necessary hugs are, and that the power of hugs should not be underestimated.
HUG!
(crap that HUG! needs a category. I leave it to you dear reader ;)
Monday, February 9, 2009
and so we wait
we wait for the alarm clock to ring, for water to boil for a cup of tea. we wait for class to begin and class to end. we wait for the weather to be warmer, for the seasons to change. we wait for medications to kick in, for health to return. we wait for midterms to come, and then exams. we wait for the term to pass, for the day to pass. we wait for the weekends. we wait to learn to drive, to vote, to be legal. we wait for school to end, for life to begin, for life to end.
we wait for the those perfect days and nights that we wouldn't change for anything in the world. we wait for people to screw up, we wait for ourselves to screw up, because as we learn, no one is perfect. we wait for forgiveness, for the shit to hit the fan. we wait for sleep, for the sun to set. and then to paraphrase Plato, we wait for ourselves to be extraordinarily happy and we wait to be brought down incredibly low.
"we wait and we watch and we plan" as some line in some poem goes.
And yet, waiting is brought up short by "he who hesitates is lost" and "the early bird gets the worm" and so some follow these only to be brought up short again by you should "look before you leap."
we really can't win.
and so we wait.
we wait for the those perfect days and nights that we wouldn't change for anything in the world. we wait for people to screw up, we wait for ourselves to screw up, because as we learn, no one is perfect. we wait for forgiveness, for the shit to hit the fan. we wait for sleep, for the sun to set. and then to paraphrase Plato, we wait for ourselves to be extraordinarily happy and we wait to be brought down incredibly low.
"we wait and we watch and we plan" as some line in some poem goes.
And yet, waiting is brought up short by "he who hesitates is lost" and "the early bird gets the worm" and so some follow these only to be brought up short again by you should "look before you leap."
we really can't win.
and so we wait.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
i have a complex
At the moment I am sitting on my couch, with a blanket on (because I'm of course cold), drinking a cup of tea and eating an eggo without syrup (it's so depressing, I forgot to buy it when I was at A&P) and I have once again become aware that I have a complex.
Now I don't have an inferiority complex (I think too much of my self really) or a Cassandra complex or even a Napoleon complex (ok so maybe I wikipedia-d (?) the last 2) but nevertheless I still have a complex.
My complex isn't really grand or anything it's just that I always think that people are mad at me for no given reason. Stupid eh. Don't worry I'm well aware that it is.
It works like this: if I text message you and you don't reply that means that you mostly likely (I think) are mad at me. And then I worry about it. If I say something and you don't respond in a way that I think you should respond (like laugh or something) I think I might have offended you and that you're mad at me. And I worry about it or hasten to make amends and explain myself.
I expect people to get mad over the little random things - such as things that I say in passing, and so I have to constantly check in with people to make sure that we're ok, and that they're not upset with me.
This happened to me this morning actually on the way home from class (which is probably why the subject for this post came up). A friend and I were having a texting conversation and I sent the last message saying ok cool have a good day. No response. So what is my conclusion dear reader?
DING DING DING! You guessed it. Said friend could potentially be mad at me - maybe my friend took it that i was being sarcastic or something. Am I being ridiculous? Of course I am. Welcome to my complex.
Now all of this worrying about people and such doesn't take up much of my time. I don't sit there and call everyone on my phone list from my cell and ask them every couple of days if we're ok. It's just generally once every couple of days or so - sometimes once a day - I end up thinking someone out there is mad at me.
(Sometimes someone actually is. And sometimes I think they are but don't care - though most often I do)
How did this complex come about you ask? I have a very good idea. Am I going to divulge that? Sorry. No. It's enough to admit to cyberspace that I have it.
philosophy of life: people are weird. Get over it.
Now I don't have an inferiority complex (I think too much of my self really) or a Cassandra complex or even a Napoleon complex (ok so maybe I wikipedia-d (?) the last 2) but nevertheless I still have a complex.
My complex isn't really grand or anything it's just that I always think that people are mad at me for no given reason. Stupid eh. Don't worry I'm well aware that it is.
It works like this: if I text message you and you don't reply that means that you mostly likely (I think) are mad at me. And then I worry about it. If I say something and you don't respond in a way that I think you should respond (like laugh or something) I think I might have offended you and that you're mad at me. And I worry about it or hasten to make amends and explain myself.
I expect people to get mad over the little random things - such as things that I say in passing, and so I have to constantly check in with people to make sure that we're ok, and that they're not upset with me.
This happened to me this morning actually on the way home from class (which is probably why the subject for this post came up). A friend and I were having a texting conversation and I sent the last message saying ok cool have a good day. No response. So what is my conclusion dear reader?
DING DING DING! You guessed it. Said friend could potentially be mad at me - maybe my friend took it that i was being sarcastic or something. Am I being ridiculous? Of course I am. Welcome to my complex.
Now all of this worrying about people and such doesn't take up much of my time. I don't sit there and call everyone on my phone list from my cell and ask them every couple of days if we're ok. It's just generally once every couple of days or so - sometimes once a day - I end up thinking someone out there is mad at me.
(Sometimes someone actually is. And sometimes I think they are but don't care - though most often I do)
How did this complex come about you ask? I have a very good idea. Am I going to divulge that? Sorry. No. It's enough to admit to cyberspace that I have it.
philosophy of life: people are weird. Get over it.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
where is my organized chaos?
So here I am at 10:22 pm writing a post when I have 200 pages of a novel to read for tomorrow at 8:30 am where I also might have a quiz. If you can figure out the logic as to why I am here instead of buried deep within the novel please let me know.
Tonight I had my 3 hour (oh yes, 3 hours - you read that correctly) psych class. Now normally I walk to that class with low hopes because I despise psych. Normally I want to bang my head off of something while I sit in one of the seats. Tonight however I experienced a miracle. I am serious. A miracle. I - wait for it - ENJOYED psych. I'm slightly dazed at the moment. I simply cannot fathom what has happened. But nevertheless it is true. I enjoyed psych class tonight for the very first time. We had a new professor this evening - Dr. Tripp and we were talking about Abnormal psych - aka mental disorders. Rather interesting.
In all seriousness though I have experienced what I would call a miracle. You laugh. I'm serious. I simply cannot fathom it.
Once class was over, my friend and I walked home (why take the bus when you can walk and freeze in -25 degree weather?) and turning onto my street for some reason I looked up at the stars.
Something important to note about me is that I love the stars. Growing up in Toronto you don't see very many of them, what with pollution and city lights and all, and it wasn't until this summer that I saw the sky completely filled with stars. I was awestruck. At first glance it looked like completely chaos up there - everything running into everything else, no space to move around, (hey I'm sure that stars want to move and stretch as well), but then I paused and looked deeper, harder and realized that there is organization. That everything has it's place and that what I originally took for disorder was really just me not understanding the pattern of things.
In my travels (haha, I seem so wise) I have seen some seriously beautiful things that I thought nothing could compare to - glaciers, Rocky Mountains, killer and humpback whales depending on which coast I was on, ice bergs, remains of old civilizations, dinosaur bones, red sands, lonely islands, and yet, all of that, despite how beautiful it all is, seems to pale slightly in comparison to the stars.
Looking up at the sky tonight I saw one the dippers (I really don't know if it was big or small) and even though that was awesome, the sky was so empty. I couldn't see all of my stars. Where is my organized chaos?!
That got me thinking (I seriously think alot) of how much my life is like that at the moment. There is so much that I don't see about my future or even about the present situation that I find myself in. There is no way for me to know the whole picture all of the time - or even at all - but I have to trust that it's there - just like my stars (and my organized chaos) is there even when I can't see them.
That seems so philosophical for me to say. But it's true. The stars remind me of a steady heartbeat. They also remind me to stop being so narcissistic - that there is more in the world than just me. And so I wonder - who else is looking up at my stars? And what are they thinking? Do they see my organized chaos? What else do they see? What stories do they know about the stars that I do not?
This post is full of rather strange musings - I'm blaming psych. So I guess the question that I will leave you with and ask of cyberspace is what do you see/think of/dream of/wonder about when you look at the stars? What stories do you know about them?
Random thought: what would happen if the stars refused to shine?
philosophy of life: read first, post later?
Tonight I had my 3 hour (oh yes, 3 hours - you read that correctly) psych class. Now normally I walk to that class with low hopes because I despise psych. Normally I want to bang my head off of something while I sit in one of the seats. Tonight however I experienced a miracle. I am serious. A miracle. I - wait for it - ENJOYED psych. I'm slightly dazed at the moment. I simply cannot fathom what has happened. But nevertheless it is true. I enjoyed psych class tonight for the very first time. We had a new professor this evening - Dr. Tripp and we were talking about Abnormal psych - aka mental disorders. Rather interesting.
In all seriousness though I have experienced what I would call a miracle. You laugh. I'm serious. I simply cannot fathom it.
Once class was over, my friend and I walked home (why take the bus when you can walk and freeze in -25 degree weather?) and turning onto my street for some reason I looked up at the stars.
Something important to note about me is that I love the stars. Growing up in Toronto you don't see very many of them, what with pollution and city lights and all, and it wasn't until this summer that I saw the sky completely filled with stars. I was awestruck. At first glance it looked like completely chaos up there - everything running into everything else, no space to move around, (hey I'm sure that stars want to move and stretch as well), but then I paused and looked deeper, harder and realized that there is organization. That everything has it's place and that what I originally took for disorder was really just me not understanding the pattern of things.
In my travels (haha, I seem so wise) I have seen some seriously beautiful things that I thought nothing could compare to - glaciers, Rocky Mountains, killer and humpback whales depending on which coast I was on, ice bergs, remains of old civilizations, dinosaur bones, red sands, lonely islands, and yet, all of that, despite how beautiful it all is, seems to pale slightly in comparison to the stars.
Looking up at the sky tonight I saw one the dippers (I really don't know if it was big or small) and even though that was awesome, the sky was so empty. I couldn't see all of my stars. Where is my organized chaos?!
That got me thinking (I seriously think alot) of how much my life is like that at the moment. There is so much that I don't see about my future or even about the present situation that I find myself in. There is no way for me to know the whole picture all of the time - or even at all - but I have to trust that it's there - just like my stars (and my organized chaos) is there even when I can't see them.
That seems so philosophical for me to say. But it's true. The stars remind me of a steady heartbeat. They also remind me to stop being so narcissistic - that there is more in the world than just me. And so I wonder - who else is looking up at my stars? And what are they thinking? Do they see my organized chaos? What else do they see? What stories do they know about the stars that I do not?
This post is full of rather strange musings - I'm blaming psych. So I guess the question that I will leave you with and ask of cyberspace is what do you see/think of/dream of/wonder about when you look at the stars? What stories do you know about them?
Random thought: what would happen if the stars refused to shine?
philosophy of life: read first, post later?
Monday, February 2, 2009
with love from your future
The 4th year syndrome = freaking out because you don't know what you're going to do when you finish school at the end of April.
The 4th year syndrome has hit Alberta house especially hard in the past 72 hours. We are all agitated, anxious and perhaps feeling a bit sick about what will happen to us on May 1st.
You're saying that May is far off? Sure. A whole 3 months. 3 months to figure out where we're going to be living, what we're going to be doing next year and how we're going to make an income. PLUS we are still currently stressed out from the academic life that doesn't pause for consideration when we have our freak outs.
The solution?
We each create our own individual Plan A's. Then Plan B's. And keep going until we probably have Plan M's - maybe even Plan T's.
Then should all of our own individual planning fail we have the serious Last Resort Plan: we go to New Zealand and raise goats - or possibly sheep, we're still deciding.
The point is that we're realizing that while the future is exciting and filled with possibilities that could take us anywhere in the world, it is also scary and uncertain. It doesn't help that we don't - or at least I don't know what exactly it is that I want to do come May 1st. I haven't found the career that makes me jump and down and yell "I want to do this for the rest of my life!"
I have never been in a situation like this before. I always know what I want, and I always go and get it.
Not this time. This time I don't know what I want.
I think the universe is having a fantastic chuckle at my expense.
So in light of the past 72 hours, which each girl having a slight meltdown, we have decided to deal with it. We're going to sit around, have some serious girl time and each chocolate. Chocolate fondue to be precise.
For some reason the world looks brighter and conquerable when you're eating chocolate. I mean how can you not smile while eating chocolate covered strawberries and talking over life?
The Alberta girls have realized that we need to chill and plan. We also need to trust. We need to trust that our future is not out to get us, and that the world is not out to get us. And as Hamlet would say "ah, there's the rub."
philosophy of life: always keep chocolate in the house.
The 4th year syndrome has hit Alberta house especially hard in the past 72 hours. We are all agitated, anxious and perhaps feeling a bit sick about what will happen to us on May 1st.
You're saying that May is far off? Sure. A whole 3 months. 3 months to figure out where we're going to be living, what we're going to be doing next year and how we're going to make an income. PLUS we are still currently stressed out from the academic life that doesn't pause for consideration when we have our freak outs.
The solution?
We each create our own individual Plan A's. Then Plan B's. And keep going until we probably have Plan M's - maybe even Plan T's.
Then should all of our own individual planning fail we have the serious Last Resort Plan: we go to New Zealand and raise goats - or possibly sheep, we're still deciding.
The point is that we're realizing that while the future is exciting and filled with possibilities that could take us anywhere in the world, it is also scary and uncertain. It doesn't help that we don't - or at least I don't know what exactly it is that I want to do come May 1st. I haven't found the career that makes me jump and down and yell "I want to do this for the rest of my life!"
I have never been in a situation like this before. I always know what I want, and I always go and get it.
Not this time. This time I don't know what I want.
I think the universe is having a fantastic chuckle at my expense.
So in light of the past 72 hours, which each girl having a slight meltdown, we have decided to deal with it. We're going to sit around, have some serious girl time and each chocolate. Chocolate fondue to be precise.
For some reason the world looks brighter and conquerable when you're eating chocolate. I mean how can you not smile while eating chocolate covered strawberries and talking over life?
The Alberta girls have realized that we need to chill and plan. We also need to trust. We need to trust that our future is not out to get us, and that the world is not out to get us. And as Hamlet would say "ah, there's the rub."
philosophy of life: always keep chocolate in the house.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
my shout into the dark
So I normally am not that gun-ho about blogs. I mean I am generally a notebook and pen kind of girl, who while writing a lot, keeps such writings to herself.
As you can see however, that has changed.
Now, my Nana and I (and possibly my mum) are going to New Zealand in May, and I thought that it would be a fantastic idea if I created a blog about my trip because that way I wouldn't have to send out a million emails telling everyone the exact same thing - everyone could simply check my blog. I know. I'm brilliant.
However, my thought process changed about blogs on Friday. I was at the Sleepless Goat and it was an open mic night of poems and oral story telling because Joseph Boyden was here (he won the Giller prize this year for his book Through Black Spruce, which I suggest everyone go and read). And so Queens students as well as the general public were able to go up and read their own poems (which I did - one anyway) and Jospeh Boyden read and so did the other distinguished guests and professional writers that were in attendance.
Needless to say it struck me sitting there at the Goat that while writing in journals is awesome and I think necessary, it is also necessary to project your thoughts out into the world. It is necessary for people to hear you. To read what you write. You have thoughts for a reason. Express them. Each of us has talents. Use them. Show them. Whatever it is that they may be.
So here we are.
Perhaps, this blog is simply my shout out into the dark. My way of showing the world that I exist. But who knows, maybe this blog every now and again will get someone to think. Will maybe even inspire. Hey, a girl can dream.
philosophy of life: everything you do or don't do, say or don't say matters. You will never know the full impact that you have on others, but never doubt that you have one.
As you can see however, that has changed.
Now, my Nana and I (and possibly my mum) are going to New Zealand in May, and I thought that it would be a fantastic idea if I created a blog about my trip because that way I wouldn't have to send out a million emails telling everyone the exact same thing - everyone could simply check my blog. I know. I'm brilliant.
However, my thought process changed about blogs on Friday. I was at the Sleepless Goat and it was an open mic night of poems and oral story telling because Joseph Boyden was here (he won the Giller prize this year for his book Through Black Spruce, which I suggest everyone go and read). And so Queens students as well as the general public were able to go up and read their own poems (which I did - one anyway) and Jospeh Boyden read and so did the other distinguished guests and professional writers that were in attendance.
Needless to say it struck me sitting there at the Goat that while writing in journals is awesome and I think necessary, it is also necessary to project your thoughts out into the world. It is necessary for people to hear you. To read what you write. You have thoughts for a reason. Express them. Each of us has talents. Use them. Show them. Whatever it is that they may be.
So here we are.
Perhaps, this blog is simply my shout out into the dark. My way of showing the world that I exist. But who knows, maybe this blog every now and again will get someone to think. Will maybe even inspire. Hey, a girl can dream.
philosophy of life: everything you do or don't do, say or don't say matters. You will never know the full impact that you have on others, but never doubt that you have one.
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