speak

It's been over a month since my last post. Some of you will have noticed that, others not.

Excuses? I've got a few.

Practicum was busy, though not as busy as the first one.
I was tired all the time, though as my friend Jon says that's nothing new.
I didn't have the time, though that's not really true since I found time to watch all of the tvs shows I keep up with.

Real reason?

I had nothing to say.

I still have nothing to say.

I'm waiting for inspiration. Something to just strike me over the head and for me to have a ta-da! light bulb, Wily-E-Coyote moment.

And then I realized something - that that is not going to happen. If I keep waiting, I'll be 80 years old still staring at this screen.

So this is me, speaking, for the first time in over a month, with nothing to say, but writing anyways because if I don't I might never write again, and that is simply not an option.

a wee little update

1. I'm currently listening to Boy with a Coin by Iron and Wine. If you don't know the song go youtube it right now.

2. The second block of practicum starts on Monday. I'm excited but not, (and I don't care if that doesn't make sense, it does to me).

3. My students are reading the book Night, which means that I need to have it read for Monday. It's only 120 pages, but it's a Holocaust memoir. It's going to take me some time.

4. I finished reading Esther last night. I've read it before, but I'm currently borrowing the Message version of the Bible from a friend, and so it's a bit different, but I'm liking the Message version at the moment.

5. My housemate is having a party at our place tonight.

6. I created a kick ass field trip to L'Anse aux Meadows (and if you don't know what that is, you definitely need to google it. Go on. Right now.) which I have to hand in at 3 today for my history curriculum class.

7. I started playing the ps3 game, LittleBigPlanet, which I totally love.

8. I think I might read Joshua next.

9. I can hear the wind howling outside. I like the sound. But I don't like that in just under an hour I have to go outside.

10. How much of a problem do you think it is that I'm addicted to tea?

October 50th 2009

I walked in a few minutes late to my English class yesterday to see the overhead slide with October 50th 2009 on it, and my favourite TA standing at the front.

He had just started a story about why the month of November is a dead month to him.

2 years ago he was teaching somewhere in the far east - not Budapest but somewhere near there/out there. Where he was teaching there was a little store that sold amazing samosas. He was told however to never get anything else from there but the samosas. Well one day, there was nothing else open and he wanted some veggies and so he went to this little store and got the veggie curry. The next day he woke up with a huge rash, his mouth and lips were so read and swollen it looked like he "had been french kissing an iron" and his feet were so swollen that they wouldn't fit into his shoes. He also has no known allergies. He was like that for a week, and he had to go to school to teach with a shirt, tie, and flip flops.

Last year he broke his leg on Nov 1st.

This year he got H1N1 that then developed into pneumonia.

Thus, the dead month of November, and why yesterday it was Oct. 50th.

fav article of clothing?

Do you ever wake up and just feel kind of off? You've woken up, nothing has happened yet, you're still in bed, and yet, something doesn't feel right. Something feels off.

Now, some people call that getting up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning, which is a weird phrase, and I personally think a dumb one. I'm sticking with feeling off.

Feeling off is how I started my day this morning. My alarm clock shrieked it's beeping WAY to early this morning (I worked at 6:30 am) and it woke me up from the deepest of slumbers. It scared the crap out of me, and I swear unsettled my soul.

I went to work, and then I was leaving I felt that one of the managers was slightly bitchy towards me, which I realize is probably/was probably me just projecting my crap day onto her and reading her from my perspective of a crap day, but still. I wasn't that happy.

I then proceeded to sit through 5 hrs of class, - 2.5 hrs of which there was one particular female who I wanted to chuck something at for being such a nincompoop.

I also have a zit on my face that has its own gravitational pull, which did also not help me in the feeling better department.

The day redeemed itself at the end because I watched a movie and hung out with friend, then I talked to my mum for a bit and now I'm in bed with my laptop writing this. I was going to work on an assignment, but the website isn't working where I need to get my information from, so I think I'm going to go to bed.

I love bed. I love pillows. I love covers. And I particularly love p.j. bottoms. They are in my top 3 fav list of articles of clothing. Sweaters being number 1 of course.

Anyway, since I can't stop yawning I'm going to go to bed and snuggle into my covers.

While I sleep however, you can answer me a question: what is your favourite article of clothing?

Lost: Good English TA. If found, PLEASE return to my class section

For my curriculum English class, we have a big group lecture at 8:30 on Tuesday morning. Then later on in the week we have a smaller seminar. There are 3 seminars and thus 3 TAs, or at least there was.

My TA was awesome. He was funny, cynical, smart, and didn't take himself too seriously. There were group discussions, music, sharing of books, thoughts, ideas and most importantly snacks.

He made the class decent, (which is a serious achievement, let me tell you. That large lecture is no picnic).

THEN

He up and left. He's gone to go and do research on some obscure topic in education. Thus, our seminar has been taken over by the other 2 TAs. The past 2 weeks have not been pretty.

Week 1 without awesome TA = talking about learning contexts, such as socio-economic status, nevermind the fact that we have a whole other course devoted to it, and it has nothing to do with the strict subject of teaching English.

Week 2 without awesome TA = today. The TA today, is a middle aged woman, who likes silence all the time, except when she deems it necessary for people to talk.
That did not go over well with the class today.

We talked, she would of course say, "SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
We whispered, she said, "SHHHHHH!!!!"
She wanted complete silence.

Then came the MOMENT

Someone sneezed.
Someone else said bless you.
"SHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" admonished one of the teacher candidates.

That was it. We all laughed uproariously.

The TA glared at us.

At the end of the class the TA announced that she believed that our original TA was not coming back next term either, and that she was potentially going to be taking over the seminar, permanently.

Someone PLEASE return my good original English TA!

We Will Remember Them

"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun, and in the morning
We will remember them.

We will remember them."

-Laurence Binyon

hehe moment

Currently I am sitting in my EDST 429 class (it's all about teaching ESL).

Today we got an assignment about fortune cookies. The point was to get our ESL students to see what they are, and write their own fortunes so that they could practice English.

Our professor brought us fortune cookies.

So what did my table do?

We opened them, ate them (except me, I don't like eating fortune cookies) and then we got to the best part. The actual fortune.

We start reading our fortunes, and then we added the classic "in bed" after it. (And maybe I suggested it first)

(For those of you who don't know this childish activity. You add "in bed" at the end of your fortune, just for laughs)

Example:
You have common sense and a lot of charm.
Someone is looking up to you. Don't let that person down.
Your persistence will pay off soon.

We sat in the back of the class, chortling over these fortunes.

We're that mature.

Best 10 min of my day so far. And it's only 10:12 am.

Ted Talks

Today, something amazing happened.


My English Curriculum class is usually...less than inspiring let's say, but today I actually received some worthwhile information.

That information came in the form of a video clip. The speaker is Sir Kenneth Robinson, and he has this talk that's 19 min long, but that talks about how the education system is squashing, without remorse, the creativity of children and students.

It's presented in the format of a stand up comedian, and it's hilarious. It's hilarious and it raises some really awesome points.

What does that mean?

That means that you should take 19 min out of your busy schedule and watch it.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

Why? Because it'll be 19 min very well spent.

I. Just. Don't. Know.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I do know that I don't want to be a teacher for the next 35 years. It's just not happening. I won't make it.

I like the idea of going into editing and/or publishing but I don't know how to go about getting into that without getting a second undergrad degree (which let's face it is not going to happen).

I missed the deadline for SFU in BC which offered editing and publishing programs. The deadline was Nov 1st. It's Nov 5th. So I can't apply there until next year.

UBC and UVIC have MFA (masters in fine arts) programs that involve creative writing and UVIC also has an internship where you can spend a year with a publishing company in BC.

The Walrus has a 6 month unpaid editoral internship but that starts in Jan and I'm still in teacher's college so that doesn't work out for me, so if I wanted it I would have to wait until the next one showed up.

I also have to admit that jouralism doesn't really turn my crank. I'm not that interested in the news and I have no desire to be a newsreporter. I like the Walrus internship because you get to do so much behind the scenes, editoral stuff (yeah I know, wasn't that descriptive).

I could put my name on the supply teacher list and see if I'll get hired by the end of next year. I could teach abroad. I could just get a random job and work for a year. While doing that I could also write my book. I could backpack for a year.

See. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. And for the editing/publishing stuff I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET INTO IT.

I'm frustrated.

I feel like I need to have this all figured out now - forget now, I feel like I should have had it figured out yesterday or 3 years ago or something.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. And thus I don't know how to go and get anything.

I. Just. Don't. Know.

feeling good

Last Friday, was a P.D. day here in Kingston and so all of us teacher candidates went to professional development day, which I have to say was pretty cool and I had a good time.

However, after P.D. day around 6 pm, calamity struck me in the form of a fever. I went to bed. I spent about 4 days in bed and missed two days of school because of this fever and cough and what also came to be breathing issues. It SUCKED.

However, now, about 6 days after I initially got sick and 2 days after I started to mend I feel pretty good. I'm not going to lie, that might be because I'm HIGHLY medicated (up until about this Saturday afternoon lol) but still I really enjoy not feeling like complete and utter crap.

Special thanks also goes out to Jason and Victoria for grocery shopping for me and buying me soup :) and also to Jason for coming over to check on me :)

In other news, tomorrow is the last day of Prac 1 which is weird because it doesn't feel like it's been a month, but it has. I'm giving my students a test tomorrow on Romeo and Juliet.

I've also been writing again which makes me really happy. I dunno but there's just something about writing that makes me feel good.

What also makes me feel good is that I have nothing to prep for tomorrow because it's already done, so what am I going to do?

Watch tv.

Afraid

Afraid, afraid, the little boy whispered.
I wish I wasn't, I wished I wasn't.

Afraid, afraid, the little girl whimpered.
I want to hide. I need to hide.

Afraid, afraid, the Daddy moaned.
It needs to stop, I can't make it stop.

Afraid, afraid, the Mommy cried.
I don't want to die, I will not die.

Afraid, afraid, they all told the sky.
We are so afraid, all of the time.

Afraid, afraid, the sky replied.
As am I, as am I.

"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"

My associate went over my unit plan with me today and it has been decided that I will start teaching TOMORROW.

And the plan is that I will continue to teach the class the entirety of Romeo and Juliet, (which means I'm teaching it until I leave).

It's a lot. And I'm nervous. But I'm also excited. I'm excited to see what I can do. I'm excited to learn more, and I'm excited for the challenge. It's going to be an interesting day tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm also going to Toronto for Thanksgiving to see the fam, and to eat lots of turkey, perogies and mashed potatoes. I'm super excited.

The only damper to tomorrow is that I have teacher college course homework (Prof 180) that's due on SATURDAY, and so I'm going to get to Toronto friday night, hug everyone, and then have to do hw for 180 and post it.

Oh life.

However, despite that, the weekend is going to be wonderful I've decided. And tomorrow is going to be awesome.

R + J = whoa

Well.

I'm currently sitting at my desk, listening to the sound track from Finding Neverland, with papers piled up everywhere about Romeo and Juliet in regards to the unit that I'm planning for Thursday.

I have a lot of work still to do.

I do have about 7 hrs tomorrow in which to finish it. I've already been working on it for 5 hrs. I basically know what I want to do, it's just working out all of the logistics of what to cover, and how do I fit it all in.

Daunting.

My head is starting to feel like it might implode.

Tomorrow is definitely going to be hardcore in making sure that I get everything done for Thursday.

*Suspenseful Music*

I'll keep you posted.

quick life update

1. Prac stars on Monday. I'm nervous.

2. I can't tell if my allergies just ROYALLY suck lately or if I'm sick. I'm sticking with the allergy theory. I refuse to be sick!

3. My toes are bloody cold and I need to buy slippers

4. My visa is a b*tch. Once I get my balance down to $0. I'm not using the damn thing anymore.

5. coach canada is being stupid and won't let me a buy a ticket on line from Kingston to Toronto. This is going to be a problem. BIG problem. I need to get to the station before Friday to buy a ticket because buying a ticket on Friday, which is Thanksgiving weekend, is just not a good idea.

6. I'm on the fence about NCIS L.A. It's good, but it's much different than the original NCIS.

7. My laundry will be done in 2 minutes.

8. I have to read Romeo and Juliet for Monday. As well at the curriculum guide for grade 10 Academic English and History

9. I have this new ps2 game called Mercenaries. I love it. It's a wicked game.

10. Bolt House juice is a beautiful thing.

sketching

She walks in from the kitchen, mug of tea in one hand, a pencil fidgeting slightly in the other. She is being comfortable today in her lulu lemon pants and a hoodie. She gracefully seats herself down upon her chair and curls her legs underneath her, until only a flash of colour now and again reveals that her feet are cocooned within fuzzy pink socks.

She glances critically at the sketch before her, tapping her pencil gently against her cheek. She takes a sip of tea, and her shoulders relax a little. She places the mug on the space beside her paper, though her hand still encircles it, as she contemplates what to do next.

Decided, she moves her pencil towards the page. Upon contact, lines and shades commence to flow out from under her hand. Minutes pass, or maybe hours, but she continues, lost in herself, in the page in front of her, in the relationship that she is creating with her subject.

Eventually, her hand ceases its movement, and she stares critically down at the page once more. With ragged hair, a dress ripped at the bottom, and wings growing out of her back, a faceless fairy stares back at her, a wild creature. Almost instantaneously the two - the artist and the subject - agree that a dash of colour is necessary. Purple is selected. They step back to critique the new addition to the appearance, the fairy turning this way and that to allow them to take in all angles. After a moment, their eyes catch and they smile. They are satisfied.

vampire craze

What the heck is with the vampire craze? One woman writes one story about a kind of Romeo and Juliet couple (minus being dead at the end - like normal dead dead not vampire dead) and all of a sudden there is a disturbing amount of books and tv shows about vampires.

Like really?

Come on.

I will freely admit that I read the Twilight series and minus the fact that it was badly written (grammatical wise), the story is incredibly catchy. But what is with society and vampires? Is it all of a sudden cool to be drinking blood and yearning to join the living dead? Or is it more the idea of not being able to find a living breathing boyfriend that makes girls dream of a vampire one?

Society has gone vampire crazy and it's rather pathetic that the same story can basically be told again and again, on different networks and by different authors and yet people still buy into it.

The sad thing though is that a year from now vampires will no longer be "cool" and something new will have popped up. Society seriously just seems to be a herd that blindly follows the new fad, whatever it may be.

kick ass lesson plan

That's right. I just created a kick ass lesson plan about espionage in WWII.

That's right. I am boasting.

Why?

Because it's kick ass, and I'm proud of my genius brain for coming up with it.

Also,

It's due tomorrow and it's done. That's also why I'm so excited. 4 and a half hrs and I'm now done.

back to bed

It's wrong. All wrong.
From the moment I woke up this morning,
it's been wrong.

Woke up late,
Body doing strange things, feeling crappy,
it's raining.
My bag is not waterproof.
I have a hole in my right shoe.
My sock is wet.
The wind almost ate my umbrella,
I didn't eat breakfast.

I arrive to a class - my least favourite class
to a prof - who's my least favourite prof,
in a disturbingly early class.
I have class 'til 5:30

text message sent to the wrong person
test message sent to apologize for sending it to the wrong person
text message sent to the right person.
No reply from anyone, but I mean, it's EARLY.

The time? 9:39 am. The dreaded class is finished.
There is way too much time in the day left
for things to go wrong.
There is not enough time in the day left
to get everything done.

I need a pause button, a restart button,
a 'I hate the world, leave me alone button.'
The one desire is to go back to bed.
Desire - DENIED.

The world keeps turning, spinning
and I need to catch up,
keep going.

thoughts on swing

I went to Swing for the first time tonight - alright let's be honest it was my second time. The first time I went I was commandeered by my friend Ian who ran into me just as I was getting off my work shift last year at Common Ground, and he took me in and we danced for about 10 min.

Anyway, this was my real first time (no offense meant Ian) and it was a lot of fun. See I've danced for a very long time - ballet, jazz, (though I only did those for a year or two) and then Irish dancing (like Riverdance) for 7 years. The thing with Irish dancing though is that while you sometimes have a partner it's not like "normal" dancing partners, so the whole partner thing tonight was basically new to me. The steps (minus the first turn we learned that I'm a bit shakey on) were basic enough that after a couple of goes I understood them and could dance them (minus the occasional fumble here and there). But it seriously seems to all come down to your partner.

First thing I learned tonight about partners - if you're the follower and your leader doesn't lead well. You guys have massive problems.

Second thing I learned tonight about partners - if your partner is an old hat at swing, or is a fast study with good rhythm, and you know the steps decently, (minus a little fumble here and there) it's wicked fun.

Conclusion: Going to def go again, see if I can get better, and also find a partner who's a quick learner too :)

and then it was gone

So I get up this morning at 9 am and head into the shower, turn on the water, get in AND THEN just as I'm about to go and put shampoo in my hair the water turns off. Gone. Completely gone.

In a desperate hope I turn off the taps and turn them back on again. Nada. I get out of the shower and turn on the bathroom taps. Nothing. I go into the kitchen and turn on those taps. Bupkiss.

What do I do? Well it's me. So I curse.

I then turn on my trusty laptop and fire off an email to my landlord telling him I have no water and that it is completely unacceptable that I have no water as I pay everything on time AND we received no notification that the water would be turned off. I tell him to come and fix the problem immediately because, Hey I'm PISSED.

(Yes I realize it could have been worse - I could have had shampoo in my hair, and so I'm VERY grateful and fortunate that I didn't).

The other problem is that I also can't make tea which is extremely disheartening as it's Monday morning and I have class for 5 hrs today. My hair is also unwashed and I will now look like an 1800s street urchin from London.

And so the week begins.

anxious

Currently I am slightly anxious. I don't know why.

You know how when you're racing around all day and you have that go go go mentality, and then you finish everything and you're like...oh...and stop the go go go mentality? Yeah, I can't stop. I keep feeling like I need to go go go, but I don't. And because I feel like I need to, I can't chill out. I can't relax, and it leaves me feeling anxious.

Stupid I know. But I have anxiety problems and so everything is heightened in my case.

Also, because I can't just chill, I get frustrated because I mean it's stupid, I should just be able to chill out. So I'm anxious and frustrated about being anxious and then get more anxious. It's a fantastic kind of cycle.

Eventually I will be able to chill out - it's just that it takes me longer that others on some days.

*sigh* oh me oh my.

Inspired

There are times when you come across something or someone that completely inspires you. Those are the times that make you reevaluate your present condition, and make you want to do more and more importantly BE more.

This post by my friend J is one of those moments:

Thought. - Thin Lines

the smallest light

I feel like i should post more than I actually want to post.

I'm sitting in my darkened room with a small lone light glowing to dispel the darkness and it reminds me of my favourite line from a movie.

"Even the smallest light shines in the dark."

The line is from the movie The Seeker. Which I have to say wasn't as good as the previews made it out to be though it was entertaining.

But my light and that line made me think back to class the other day when I was thinking of "youth at risk" and fireflies.

(There was a connection between the two but now I'm contemplating fireflies)

Fireflies remind me of life in general. They shine and then stop. Shine and then stop. They blink in and out of existence. They make you appreciate the light and the dark, or the good and the bad, or just the differences and opposites that exist in the world.

I also think it's cool that something as small as a firefly can dispel darkness; can catch your attention simply because it's a light when there are few or no others. Sometimes it's the small things in life eh.

the run down

1. I have never met a faculty more disorganized and more complicated than the faculty of education at queens. each course (and there are 8) has their own website, their own login that's different from every other login, and half of the time the websites don't work or the login's don't work. There are so many dates to remember, and too many classes send last minute emails along the lines of "oh, we haven't had class yet but please do this," or "oops! forgot to mention we're not meeting here on this day, but instead on this day at this time in this random location".
My reaction = "... !!! "

2. I got a job at Indigo today :)

3. I woke up this morning thinking that I was alone in the apt (as my housemate left to go to Wonderland this morning at 6:30 am) only to discover my friend Ted sleeping on my living room floor.

4. I have an infected toe that doesn't look that gross anymore (though it did) because I've been soaking it in boiling salt water. I'm pretty sure I have burns on my toe though...It also slightly exploded this afternoon with blood and pus. I know eh. gross :)

5. I need a larger agenda. For the first time in 3 months I have a ton of stuff going on and a ton of things due.
...maybe i should colour code things...i also need more binders...

6. I haven't eaten dinner in the past 2 nights. I know it's really terrible, but I'm just not that hungry.

7. I massively cleaned the apt. It looks fantastic if i do say so myself.

8. I need to go shopping for work clothes - you can only wear blue, black or white solid colour shirts with a collar at Indigo and I don't have any. I need a shirt for Friday and I don't have time to go shopping until Thursday.

9. I'm going to the Sandbanks on Monday. SO excited. Also excited because I have NO classes and the week is now a 4 day week.

10. I need to do more homework...but I kind of want to watch tv...more than that though I want to go to bed even though it's only 9 pm. What can I say boiling my toe is tiring ;)

welcome to B.ed

This week was the first week of teacher's college.

I hated the first day.
The second day was better, but I still had the same headache that I had gotten from the previous day.
That brings us to today. Day 3. No headache today. And classes were bearable.

I have decided that the only way anyone gets through teacher's college is because of the people they know and the friends they make. Without the jokes, the bitch sessions, the sympathy and empathy and the laughter it would be impossible to survive.

Teacher's college is not about marks, it's about managing 8 courses, and a ba-jillion due dates. Everyone feels overwhelmed, no one feels qualified to do this, and everyone hates at least 6 of their courses.

Everyone is also encouraged to work in groups, and to help each other - which is completely different from undergrad where it was all about competing with each other.

We all have quite rapidly grown to love groups however, because we have quickly realized that it is only because of the people around us and our friends, that we're going to survive this year.

Everyone also questions at least once a day, why exactly they, and if they actually, want to be a teacher.

Isn't it scary? We're going to be teaching your future children.

let's be intentional

I wrote and submitted an article to this Australian magazine called frankie. It's a wicked magazine and I totally love it.

They didn't accept my article however, so I thought that I would put it up on here.

Even though they didn't accept my article you should totally check out their webpage:
www.frankie.com.au/

Here is my article:

let's be intentional

The word community has become a cliche. It brings to mind a time when milk was delivered in glass bottles, five cents was a lot of money, and you knew all your neighbours and all their business because there was no "modern technology" and thus you had nothing else to amuse yourself with. What has also become a cliche are people looking for community - some place to belong because for some reason no one feels like they do. They funny thing: that latter cliche is me. It's you. It's the person sitting beside you in the coffee house or the pub. It's the person across from you on the bus. It's your best friend. We're all searching for a community and a place to belong. We're all cliches.

New word: Intentional community

Definition: When a group of people purposefully seek out and create their own community.

This is becoming a phenomenon in North America. People are feeling the lack of community and are thus creating it. They are seeking each other out, living and/or working together, and then reaching out to others and bringing them in.

This is happening in my town, Kingston, Ontario, Canada (yes, you should google map that), population 152,000. The first place is the Sleepless Goat. The Sleepless Goat is a cafe. It's a little hippie, a lot vegetarian and you can borrow board games and sit and play while you drink your cup of coffee or eat one of their amazing toggen burgers. It's a worker's cooperative, meaning that all of the workers own it together. That is their intentional community, and they reach out to others by making yummy food and being a favourite local hangout spot.

The second place is House Famous. It's eight 20 something to 30 something year olds living together in a house. Their focus is helping those who need it - they have a drop in for homeless people, they give part of their income to charity, they have people they don't know, who are in need of a place to stay, crashing on their couch, and an open dinner where anyone can walk in and sit down to eat with them. That's how they reach out to the people around them. That's how they're creating community.

For the first time it seems that we as a people have to be intentional about community. It doesn't seem to occur spontaneously anymore - maybe because we're in constant communication with so many people each day that conversation starts to feel superficial. But, whatever the reason, this disconnection that everyone seems to feel is starting to be remedied by the idea of an intentional community. It takes effort to reach out to others, but the feeling of loneliness that plagues so many people is combatable, we just have to decide that we want community and then go out and make one. We have to be intentional and genuine when we say to someone, "Hi. How are you doing today?"

KINGSTON BABY!!!

So this morning I called the practice office to say that I would take the Gananoque placement even though I wasn't sure how I was going to get there. The woman at the practicum office (Tammy) said no problem, she would slot me in.

An hour or two later Tammy calls me back and said that a half an hour after I called in an opening for English came up at LCVI (a highschool right in Kingston and like a 10 min ride from my house) and she said that she gave it to me!!

SO

This means that my placement is now in KINGSTON!!! And I get to stay. And I love life. And I can also take the job at President's Choice Financial that pays me $12.15 an hr.

SO HAPPY! SO EXCITED!

I might actually survive the next 8 months lol.

Thanks for everyone's prayers :) God is pretty damn amazing :)

Carpool

One of the biggest problems of my life at the moment is my practicum. Teacher's College starts in 2 days and I don't have a practicum yet. At the moment there is a potential spot for me in Gananoque but one of the problems is that I can't get there.

There are 3 students already at that school - 2 of whom don't have a license to drive and the 3rd one the practicum office doesn't know if she has a license because she didn't check if off on her sheet. So basically there are 3 students that they placed there that have no way to get there and Queens doesn't really care.

I might be the 4th person they place there.

But I don't drive either.

So I'm looking at carpooling options. However, there is no one that I can find online that travels from Kingston to Gananoque everyday, which is what I need.

childhood magic

My favourite flower is a lilac.

When I was a kid one of the walls in my bedroom, my north wall actually, faced the backyard. My window was on that wall, and in the backyard we had a lilac tree. As soon as it was warm enough - like 15 degrees or so - I opened my window, and it stayed open until about September.

Now lilacs don't bloom for a very long time - but the time that they do bloom is my favourite time of year. This is probably why:

Because my window was always open and the lilac tree in the backyard was so near to my window, when I woke up in the late spring and early summer the first thing that I always smelt was lilacs. The wind would blow gently in pushing the curtains aside and this smell would fill my room. Sunlight would follow the smell, and I, a small girl, would be cuddled up in my covers, enjoying the sunshine and the lilacs.

It was the same at night. I would be snuggled up in covers, darkness would trickle in, and the wind would come in to say good night bringing with it the smell of lilacs.

These were my 2 favourite moments of summer. It was my little snatch of peace, and my little snatch of magic that was just mine and no one elses.

the interview

The whole process basically started yesterday when I realized that I had a job interview today and still hadn't decided what I was going to wear. Since I was so tired yesterday it took me about 3 min flat to decide.

This morning I ironed. Bloody hell I hate ironing dress pants. I understand the concept of following the crease and ironing - but somehow one side ended up being more creased then the other originally and so I had to sit down and fix it.

The interview was for President's Choice Financial and I was meeting the woman at the Loblaws in the Kingston Centre. That means I take the number 1 bus or the number 4. Well, I get on the number 1 but it's the wrong number 1. It was the one that goes by the 401. So I realized that 1 stop in. Was like shit. Got off, walked back to the bus terminal thing, got on the right number 1. Made it to the Kingston Centre early because I was super early leaving incase something went wrong.

So I'm there, at the little pavillion thing/kiosk. No one's there. My thought = This. Is. Not. Good. At 2:30 (the time the interview was suppose to start) a girl comes back in from her break. She asks me who I am. I explain the situation. She gets on the phone with the woman who's suppose to interview me, who will now be called Woman1, then hands me the phone. My thought: FML.

Woman1 to me: we're meeting at the Midland one not the one at the Kingston Centre.
My thought: Nope. I wrote it down as you were telling me on the phone last week. I am totally at the right place.
Me to Woman1 (since I need the job): I'm so sorry. We were talking about the different kiosks locations and I guess we both got confused as to which one we were meeting at.
Woman1 to me: No problem. I'll come to you.

15 min later or so, Woman1 comes in. We go upstairs and start the interview. Part way through another woman comes in, now referred to as Woman2. We get through the interview. It actually goes fairly well.

The last problem: They hire on a contract basis, the shortest contract being 3 months. If my practicum isn't in Kingston for teacher's college then they can't hire me (cause we have the first one in October). Now I have to go and demand Queens Teachers College tell me where my practicum is.

Thus, the interview.

the numbered update

1. Just finished chapter 4. Took me bloody well long enough, but it's done. I'm happy.
2. My parentals are in Holland currently and then also going to Germany. I'm jealous.
3. I have a job interview tomorrow. And I need to iron my pants.
4. Sept 1st is too close for comfort.
5. One of my wisdom teeth really hurts today for some reason.
6. I finished the in-class part of drivers ed.
7. I am so excited to curl up in bed and sleep.
8. I'm going to go and do that now.

one of the million $ questions

My old housemates and I use to watch this show called Cashmere Mafia. It only ran 7 episodes, however for those 7 weeks that it aired, the three of us raced home and nearly tackled each other to get to the tv in time to watch it.

It was a wicked show.

It was essentially about 4 powerhouse businesswomen and their lives. The show only ran 7 episodes because there was a competition show called Lipstick Jungle that was basically the same plot line but with more sex. Lipstick Jungle obviously won this competition since that show is still airing.

By the end of the second episode of Cashmere Mafia the audience finds out that the husband of one of the women has been cheating on her. This part of the plot line fueled later episodes with the basic question that is raised:

What would you do if someone cheated on you?

Would you call it quits? Get even? Ignore it? Get over it and maybe work it out?

For some reason I started thinking about that tonight. At the moment I know two different women who have two different responses to the question. And I have to admit that I don't know what I would do if I found myself in that situation.

What do you think you would do?

george michael

Confession:

I am in love with the song "faith" by George Michael.

I first heard it sung by the acappella singing group called Caledonia, at Queens Common Ground one night. Then I youtubed the song and came up with the music video.

Music video = completely fantastic and hilarious. Gotta love the 80s.

Another confession:

When my housemate isn't home I sometimes dance around the apt to this song, as well as sing it really loudly and most often out of tune.

Am I listening to it as I write this?

Of course! I'm also dancing in my chair. But I'm not singing cause my housemate is home.

I know that some of you are reading this, looking at the computer screen, shaking your head and going "oh dear. That Cait. Crazy kid."

But come on. Admit it.

You have your own song, that you dance in the kitchen or in the privacy of your room to, too.

the poptart

I have just recently been introduced to poptarts. How recently you ask? Well, about a month ago recent.

What did I eat for breakfast as a child then? Cereal sometimes (though personally I think cereal tastes best at night), sometimes toast, sometimes an apple. When I got to highschool I had ham and cheese on a toasted English muffin. The lunchladies knew me so well by the end that they always made sure that one was ready for me in the morning when I walked into the caf. We would then chat for a bit, and then I would go and run around to whatever I had going on, cause I was a kneener like that.

first year uni I wasn't up early enough for breakfast, and then at some point over the next couple of years toasted English muffins with peanut butter and bananna, or an omlette became the thing to eat.

But it was never poptarts.

However, poptarts were the thing to eat said my friend Jason, and when I was over at House Famous one day and hungry he suggested poptarts. I was incredibly skeptical, cause on tv commericals they looked kind of gross to me. But on that fateful day I had one. It was pretty good. The next time I was in Metro, I passed by them, paused, then bought a box.

I've had a box in my kitchen ever since. I burn my fingers on them taking them out of the toaster cause I just can't wait to eat them. It has become almost a staple.

Have I gone from one extreme to the other? Not knowing poptarts, to eating them ALL the time. Yes. Yes I have.

But what can I say? It's a poptart.

oh drivers ed

Yes. I am 22 and taking drivers ed. What can I say, I never did it when I was 16, and I've since decided that it is about time that I got my full drivers license.

Drivers ed however is INCREDIBLY boring. I mean there are some randomly interesting things but overall listening to someone talk for 5 hrs (oh that's right 5 hrs a day (9am-2:30pm) for 4 days is the course) about how every second counts, how you could be a smashed wreck in less than 1 second, and how if you aren't aware at every second that you're in the car you could most likely die, gets boring after the first hr or two.

I have 2 more days to go.

Also, with the driving company that I am taking, there are 2 tests worth 60%, class participation that is worth 30%, a workbook, and a group presentation. And if you don't get at least 80% on the in class portion, you fail. And then you have to take it all over again.

For the next two days I am living for 2:30.

julie & julia

As you can probably guess from the title my friend Sabrina and I went to see the movie Julie & Julia today. The movie was really good. The one feeling that it left within me at the very end though was not that I would love to start cooking, but that I wish I would love to start cooking.

Watching Julia and Julie cook in the movie is hilarious, and the things that they turn out are colourful, look wonderful and I'm sure that they tasted really good because everyone eating it really loved it, but going from the screen to my kitchen and picking up a frying pan and a pot to cook dinner in, the first thought in my head was "crap. I really do hate this."

I feel that when it comes to cooking I need some kind of intervention. I mean I'm going to have to be cooking for the rest of my life and for any family that comes along later. I mean what if one day I am responsible for the tukey at Thanksgiving? Or the Christmas roast? Or the boush at Easter? (that last one is a Polish thing - though I don't think I spelt it right). I see ahead of me a very long line of cooking adventures/fiascos and I'm starting to think that I need more than Julie & Julia to help me survive.

grief and love

so here i sit.
by myself.
the window open,
the wind flowing in,
caressing my face.
a momentary company.

the sky is grey.
the rain is coming,
and somewhere, softly
sounds a lone piper
playing a lament.

the rain begins to fall,
the piper's harmony.
and we sit and hear,
breathing it in,
remembering,
as our heart breaks.

follow the green arrows

I walked into the office. It was quiet - deathly quiet, which made me shiver slightly as this was a hospital and for all I knew death was lurking around the next corner ready to snatch some poor soul from their bed. I walked up to the desk, dug my hand into my bag and searched around for my wallet with my health card in it as the receptionist sat there waiting patiently - what can I say it's a big bag. Finally I found it, gave her my card, and answered the necessary questions showing in some kind of foolproof way that I was who I claimed to be. We created some small talk as she filled in all of my information. Finally after the admin. stuff was all sorted, filled out and filed, the kind receptionist (who mostly likely wanted to go home since it was 7 pm) pointed to the green arrows on the wall and told me to follow them. They would take me where I needed to go.

Placing my trust in the green paper taped arrows I started walking down the hallway. It was still disturbingly quiet. I walked, smiled at a woman cleaning some rooms, turned a corner, walked some more, turned another corner, walked, turned another corner and finally found the waiting room for the CT scan. The arrows had safely navigated me through the myriad of twists and turns that made up the imaging dept of KGH.

I sat down in one of the chairs in the empty waiting room, looking around a sign caught my eye making me laugh, "The technologist knows you are here, please wait here until your name is called." Apparently, I wasn't the only person who felt that this waiting room was at the end of the imaging dept world.

5 minutes later, the technologist came to get me, breaking the stifling silence. She took me to the CT room, had me lie down, put a blanket around me since it was freezing in there, and then left me to the mercy of the machine that would take countless pictures and hopefully let me know what was wrong with me.

Perhaps it was the elevation of the bed, or of the moving back and forth in and out of the machine but a wave of vertigo hit me and since the rule is DO NOT MOVE, I pinched my arm, in an attempt to cease the dizzyness, until it was all over.

The technologist came back in eventually, saying, "that wasn't so bad at all was it?"
I smiled and sat up, my arm very red and marked from where I had pinched myself for 5 minutes, "You're right, it wasn't bad at all," I replied.

She let me out of the room and I walked back through the silent hallways, still slightly dizzy, with no cell phone reception, until I found the door that led outside. Opening it, I stepped out and took a very deep breath of air, listening to the noise that somehow the hospital had been able to suck out of existence.

Tell me a story

Tell me a story the little girl said.
Not until you've gone and made your bed.
Tell me the one with the genie and 3 wishes.
Please go and finish cleaning your dishes.
What about the one of the rat flushed down the loo?
Not until you search and find your other shoe.
How about the one with the little blind mole?
Why is your sock now full of holes?
Tell me a story! A story I say!
One about a spaceship and death inducing rays!
Tell me a story! One I want to hear!
No, not until tonight's bedtime my dear.

the cooking rant

I hate to cook.

I don't mean hate to cook as in oh it's so annoying. No. I hate to cook. There is NOTHING relaxing or enjoyable about cooking. I mean you have to time everything so that everything is done at the same time, you have to chop and cut and dice and mince and have hot oil spluttering in a pan. You need to make sure nothing ever boils over, or gets burned or most importantly that nothing catches on fire or blows up (I like having 2 eyebrows). Then you need spices and seasoning (not that I can ever taste them), presentation on a plate. And then of course there are the dishes.

What exactly is enjoyable about cooking? The food afterwards? Not really. I don't love food that much.

the writing update

i have just finished my chapter 3. It's not very long - not quite 5 pages, but it took me forever, and i have to say that i really do like it. i'm happy.

i have the first 2 pages of chapter 4 written already, but i think i need to make up an outline as to what is going to happen...

and that is this writing update. back to the news room.

MIA

I lost a contact in my eye this morning. I know who does that? It's just going to float around in my eyeball, and who knows maybe it'll end up in my brain or something. That could be interesting.

Yesterday was not that great of a day for me. I'm rediscovering that sometimes it is very hard to keep yourself together all the time. I mean sometimes things just get to you and you need to flip out. Sometimes it feels so good to get angry and let it out.

Yesterday I also went make to the doc about the anomaly in my foot (that as a friend said could really be an alien or something in my foot, and I mean it could be for all anyone knows), and now I have to get a CT scan. I don't know when it is yet because the doctor is making the appt but apparently they say come and you go running for these kind of appts.

At the moment I am sitting around in shorts and a bra drinking a cup of tea. I am sitting this way because for one it is hot, and for another I can't decide what top I want to wear today. And no I can't stop drinking tea - I NEED IT.

Today I feel like I want to go MIA. Just kind of go off the map, disappear for a bit and then come back with a crazy story about how I discovered an underground tunnel system in Kingston that led me all the way to Ottawa, where a boat was waiting for me on the St. Lawrence River which I took out onto open seas where I got shipwrecked (cause let's face it I can't drive a boat) and then rescued by dolphins, who dropped me off at PEI where I had tea with Anne of Green Gables (that would be cool) who then suggested I go to NFLD since it's so close by, and there I became a fisherwoman until I got tired of fish and then decided to come back to Kingston again.

If you don't hear from me in a couple of days, you now know why.

high time

well i suppose it's high time for another post. and it's going to be in list form cause a) i want to write it that way and b) i'm lazy

1. I'm hot. I know eh? Who would have thought that I would ever be hot, but nevertheless it is true.

2. I have about 20 pages left to read in the book that I need to read for class that hasn't started yet. So I'm going to finish that and maybe write the wanna be paper (2-3 pages double space is such a waste of time) today.

3. I'm curling up with a movie at some point today. I rented 3.

4. The writing goes, though going slowly. I have 2 pages of chapter 3 and 2 pages of chapter 4 done. I just need to now stop talking about them and finish them.

5. I seriously am getting addicted to Starbucks ... if i wasn't already ...

6. I enjoy how life is great one moment and shitty the next. keeps me on my toes :)

the curtain and the wind

The window was open and the curtain kept getting sucked up against the screen, as if it were no longer content to simply just hang there on the rod, but instead wanted to fly. The wing egged it on - knowing that even if the curtain couldn't fly, it - the wind - would be able to keep it afloat.

The wind blew harder, but it didn't change the fact that the screen was still in place, separating one from the other, keeping the curtain in it's rightful place, as if admonishing the curtain of its dreams because as the screen told the curtain, "curtains do not fly."

The wind wasn't strong enough at the moment to break the screen and take the curtain, so the wind and curtain could only stare at each other and slightly touch. The wind saw how sad that the curtain had become and blew as hard as it could into the room causing the curtain to stretch out and lift away from the window.

The curtain laughed with pure delight as the wind decided, "for now, this is how you'll fly."

x-rays and updates and thoughts

I don't really have anything creative to say in the post so I think I might just give an update about me.

I got x-rays today because my foot has been swollen and sore for 2 and a half weeks and I finally decided to go in and see the doc about it. I have to go back in a week to see what the x-rays say. That I have to admit was the most unordinary thing that happened in my day today.

I'm playing this old-school game that I can't remember the name of on my computer and I think I'm doing pretty good. The problem is that I'm not quite sure where I'm suppose to go next. And I think I might have missed something in the Cathedral.

I'm reading this book called Naamah's Kiss. It's the 7th book in this series by Jacqueline Carey and it's completely wicked. I only have about 100 pages left so I'm going to finish it tonight.

I've started writing my chapter 3 but it's slow going because in this chapter I have to create the entire history the world that I have created and also the customs and beliefs of different races. Don't get me wrong I'll do it and it'll be awesome it's just going to take a bit until I can get everything straightened out in my head.

I have homework to do for teacher's college that hasn't started yet I might add, and while I have bought the book (step one), I haven't actually started reading it yet (step two lol)

I'm looking at changing the world during the month of August and the rest of July and I need some ideas. I basically need a project...I'll keep you posted on this line of thought

sleep is elusive.

2:00 4:22 6:30

I have this thing with sleeping where I usually wake up once or twice a night. Normally, when this happens I usually simply roll over and go back to sleep no problem. Sometimes, however, i wake up and the minutes just tick on by as i lay there not able to sleep, and when i finally do, it only serves to happen again an hour or two down the road.

this is what has been happening to me for the past couple of nights. The interesting thing about this though is that for the past couple of nights I've been waking up at:

2:00 am.

4:22 am.

6:30 am.

Yeah that's right 4:22.

so you know, i wake up, lie there, a half an hour passes, caterpillars turn into butterflies then i fall asleep again only to be woken up less than 2 hours later for it to happen again.

it's weird. i don't like it. i really hate 4:22 am.

the badlands story

i feel like story telling this morning:

Every summer since I was about 8 or 9 my family and I would go on vacation. Sounds normal. Only instead of jetting around the world, or going camping or going to Disney Land we would pack our car and drive to one of the coasts of Canada. Our first trip was out east and we went to PEI. The second trip was out West and I think we only went to Alberta. The year after that we went out east again going as far as Newfoundland. The year after that out west to BC. We drove to Alaska and back one year (that took us 6 weeks), and another year we went to Labrador. You get the point.

I've been to both coasts at least 3 times each and done some cool things like whale watching for orcas and humpbacks, panning for gold in the Yukon, been to Drumheller Alberta to see the dinosaurs, been to L'Anse aux Meadows to see where the Vikings first landed etc. Random, cool, weird, slightly crazy stuff.

One of the craziest things that happened to me though was when I fell down a badland in South Dakota.

Now you're saying, wait wait wait, South Dakota is not in Canada. And you would be right, sometmes on our vacations we would drive through Canada one way and drive through the States on the way back or vise versa.

Thus, on one particularly fine day we found ourselves in the badlands of South Dakota. I was maybe 12 and my brother was 8. When 8 year old boys see rocks and hills what do they want to do? Climb them.

We were on a boardwalk path and my dad, my brother and I left the path to climb on the rocks/badland that were beside the path. Yes there were signs saying DO NOT CLIMB. But yeah, we did it anyway.

So we're climbing along, none of us in running shoes, but in sandles, when suddenly I slip. I start to slide backwards. I try to grab onto something to stop myself from falling, but it's loose gravel i'm trying to grab onto. I slide backwards some more. I scramble and finally find something to hold onto. I stop moving.

This happens within 3 seconds.

My dad then falls and slides backwards. He topples over me and ends up behind me. He's able to stop himself from falling further.

Then

my brother falls. He slides right by me, and right between my dad's legs. My dad grabs the back of his shirt to stop him from falling and going right over the edge where when I look I can see green far far below. The drop must have been about 200 feet.

My dad looked at me and said CLIMB. So i start moving. Within a minute we're all up where we started and we can see my mom, who had climbed over the rail of the path because we had toppled out of her view. She thought we might have been dead.

We all get back over to the walkway. We all have a few scrapes but for some reason i'm in the worst shape, I have 2 massive scrapes/cuts running from my wrist to elbow on both of my outter arms, and my knees are lacking some skin.

I hated the badlands after that. We never climbed where it told us "do not climb" again and yes, I realize we should have obeyed the sign to begin with. I think this is why I'm slightly afraid of heights. I can still see that patch of green 200 feet + below me everytime I hear the word badlands.

lack of crunch

you know what i hate? stale crackers.

They completely lack the crunch of freshness, of life, of yummy-ness. Stale crackers are soft, chewy, and grain that isn't suppose to taste like bread. There's nothing as disappointing as opening up the cracker box to find instead of the crunch this wimpyness of a cracker.

*sigh*

now i don't know what to munch on.

writers

I just finished chapter 1 of my story. I know that it's only a chapter in what is suppose to be a manuscript ideally, but I'm still a bit proud of myself.

It's seems that lately everyone is writing (alright not everyone, but some close friends). It's wicked. Even though some of the people that are writing aren't in the same city or even the same country there's still that community and that environment where creative is thriving. We're emailing back and forth, we commenting on each other's work, it's awesome. There's a person here too though in the city who I bounce ideas off of and write with, and I love it. It almost makes the stories come easier when you have those people to talk your story over with, or who can just keep you company while you write.

I can understand why artists and writers etc kind of group together almost, seek each other out. In my opinion it keeps the creativity thriving. It gives me at least the umph I need sometimes to keep going.

I realize that I might be prematurely excited about my story, but that's ok. I'm going to be excited anyway.

Chapter 2 here I come.

remember, remember the 5th of november

so i just finished watching v for vendetta. I think my favourite part is when all of the people walk towards the barriers and everyone is wearing Guy Fawkes masks and capes. It's such a powerful image - all those people, who despite their fear - are there demanding change.

But it makes me wonder:

what are we fighting for?

what am i fighting for?

is there anything left to fight for?

is there a reason why everyone seems to have stopped demanding change?

is there a reason why everyone seems to have stopped demanding better?

four and a half

I realize that i haven't posted in a few days, and it's mostly because when I am sitting at the computer writing, i'm writing in Word, and i'm writing my story. I only have 4 and a half pages but I like what I do have. I'm really not sure how certain pieces are going to fit together, but so far, the piece of the story that I'm currently working on is coming together pretty decently I think.

I've been trying to write this story since about the eleventh grade, and it's funny because writing it again now - the story has changed, and my characters have morphed into something completely different. I think that it's really cool. I don't really know what they're going to do next. It's a slightly surreal experience.

All I know is that this time, this time, I'm going to keep writing it.

thought to share

I love it when characters take on characteristics and qualities that you would never have expected them to take.

I love it when they start to breathe and all you've left to do is try and keep up with them.

as i walked out one evening

I went walking in the rain today. It was a misty rain though - the kind where you look slightly like a noob if you use an umbrella because there's not enough rain for one but enough to get you damp and leave your hair frizzy.

It was fantastic. I loved it. I love walking in the rain.

I then came home and - read poetry. I know eh. It seems very stereotypical. However, it was very enjoyable.

I was reading T.S. Elliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, which I think is such a wicked poem. And then I pulled out W.H. Auden. He's a pretty sweet poet too. The thing that is slightly frustrating about his poems (and the same with Emily Dickinson) is that they don't have titles. So the poem by him that I am completely enamored with is simply called 38 in my book, which is really no help at all for you in finding it to read. So here's the link:
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15551

Check it out.

I'm serious. Go read it. Right. Now.

oh me oh my

I can't believe how much time I spend being anxious. It's not healthy. I'm anxious all the damn time. There are very few times where i am completely relaxed and very few people that I completely relax with.

Did you know that?

I've discovered i can hide things well.

Today though the anxiety is starting to get to me. I'm worried about finding a job and money and next year and eating properly and budgeting and my family, my social life, my inability to finish what i start, waking up early enough tomorrow morning, drivers ed, and if I keep continuing I'm sure that you'll find out that I'm worried about global warming, poverty and the 50 other bajillion things that are going on in the world.

Why am I so anxious all the time?

I mean for the most part i can keep it under control - and this right now is actually just about under control - me flipping out is seriously not something that ANYONE sees. I flip out in the privacy of my own room - or the bathroom.

But seriously, why the f can't i just chill like every other bloody person in the world.

Don't comment on this post. This is seriously a holler into the dark. DO NOT COMMENT.

can you keep a secret?

are we human because we can keep secrets? Is that one of the characteristics that defines humanity?
Everybody has secrets and everybody lives in fear of certain people or people in general finding out certain secrets. and then there are other secrets that we long for people to know, but don't have the nerve to save out loud.

What would humanity be like if we didn't have secrets? If we were physically not able to have secrets? Would we lose part of our humanity? Would society become a dull place?

Our lives are based around secrets - secrets that we keep for others, secrets that we have about ourselves that we keep from the world, and sometimes even from ourselves.

But why?

Why are secrets so necessary to our existence?

peace within

Today I had to go downtown to the post office and since I was so far downtown I decided to make my walk worthwhile, so I brought my laptop with me (which is seriously heavy to carry that far in the heat i might add) and went to the Goat where I sat down for about an hour or so and wrote some more about my character Abby. She's pretty sweet I have to say.

This blog isn't about her though, this blog is about St. Mary's Cathedral. On the way back home I walked up Johnson which of course leads me right by St. Mary's. Anyway, all the doors were open, so, obviously, I went inside.

I walked up the steps and kind of cautiously walked in. My footsteps echoed, so I walked as softly as I possible could. There was no one around. It's beautiful inside. Candles lit for different prayers offered, stunning stained glass windows, beautiful arches. I walked around the back of the cathedral and I felt like I was an intruder - as if it were like the 1500s and I was a poor wench who wasn't suppose to be there. For some reason I was afraid of running into someone. After a few moments, I let myself relax and take in the quiet. Then I went down and sat in a pew.
What I said to God there doesn't really matter for this post, but after a few moments, with me freezing ever time I heard a noise, a woman came in. She was an ordinary woman. She walked up a different isle than I was sitting, did a kneel thing before she sat down and then kneeled in the pew on the little thing they have for you there (can you tell I'm not Catholic) and she began to pray.
Cars rattled on down the street outside, another man came in from a different part of the church who worked there, but this silence, this peace penetrated the sanctuary and it remained untouched. You almost fell into it sitting there.

Protestants aren't generally to big on the whole cathedral thing I've noticed, but I almost think that they're necessary. That it's a good thing they exist somewhere because they remind us - or at least remind me, how big God is, how powerful, and how awe inspiring. Sometimes I think that we - or at least I - need to be reminded of that.

breathing characters

you know that feeling when you have a character dancing around in your head demanding your attention?

I've def got that going on right now.

I have to get her sorted out though. I don't know her very well at the moment. I need to be introduced as it were and then sit still long enough for her to tell me her story.

community

I am feeling very disconnected.

It has hit me, ever since I moved, that the past 4 years have certainly ended, and my community has scattered across cities and in some cases provinces, and in other cases countries. Email is great and so is facebook and everything, but let's face it, it's not the same. In the day to day routine of hanging out, and chatting to people my community has gone MIA. The family that I chose for myself has gone MIA.

This is not a pity me moment. It's just me kind of softly saying "oh," as the realization hits me again.

The solution is of course to keep in touch via email and everything, but also create a new community that is here in Kingston who I can hang out with and chat with face to face. I know this.

I have to admit though that I'm not finding it that easy at the moment to do this. And I think that's just because I have no social life at the present time. It'll become easier to create a new community when I go to church again, and go to home church, and get a job, and even further down the line, when classes start etc etc. But right now in this moment, I'm feeling like it's just me.

what do stars do best

I just finished watching Stardust, and I don't really know why but I really love that movie. Maybe it's because stars fall from the sky and are people, because nobles bleed blue blood, where pirates capture lightening and sell it on the black market and where it is possible to give your heart to someone else and take theirs in exchange.

Is that how real love works? Two people exchanging hearts? Is that what a soul mate is? And I mean how do you know that THE ONE is THE ONE? Is it one of those things that you just know when you stumble across it? Or is there even such a thing as the one?

Do you think that there is one person for everyone in the world? and if not why is that? Why are some people sentenced to live without someone and others to have more than one?

Is it possible to fall madly in love with 2 different people during 2 different times and have both of those people mean the world to you?

I feel like Prince Henry from Ever After when he's questioning Da Vinci about love. How is it possible to be so befuddled by something that is suppose to just happen to you? Why is love easy and hard at the same time?

It's sad to think that love as powerful as it is has become such a cliche in works of art and in society at large. People love the idea of falling in love with someone. We watch it in movies and we sigh and awww at all the right parts and we cheer when the two people are able to over come the odds and make it together. But as soon as that situation is found in reality it becomes a cliche. People tear it down. Mock it. Say it'll never happen or never work and instead of going for love to go for something more practical - like money or social position.

Are we all hypocrites?

And how did the most powerful force found on this planet become a cliche? When did people stop embracing it, or maybe I'm being cynical and they haven't?

Am I cliched for writing about it?

And am I cliched for saying that despite everything I think that it would be wonderful and terrible all at the same time to fall in love?

night time thoughts

When does the place that you live in begin to feel like home? Does it happen after you unlock the door a certain number of times? Or when it becomes familiar? When you hide yourself from the world in it? When some kind of crazy story or unforgettable moment happens in it? When you learn your postal code?

When does the place that you live take on more than just the place where you sleep every night, that you have to clean and where you lug your groceries too?

This is one of the things that I'm wondering about tonight.

The other thing that I'm wondering about tonight is tattoos. I've stumbled across the thought again tonight that tattoos are simply stories. Personal stories usually. And also usually stories that only the bearer of them usually understands. This is interesting because most people when they tell stories want people to understand them - it almost seems like people with tattoos are announcing that they have a story that you the random bystander do not understand. I think that's really cool. I think that it's cool that there are secret stories in the world. It reminds us of how much we don't know about a person, or people in general. And that there's always something more to someone.

listening

Right now I am sitting on my new and much larger bed listening to the torrents of rain fall. I love the sound of rain. I love it when thunderstorms wake me up at night, and when I wake up to the sound of rain in the morning while I still get to be curled up in bed. I love dancing in the rain. I love watching it fall, the trees glistening with its shower, as people live behind their umbrellas as they scurry up the street.

The world looks different in the rain I find. It kind of teems with possibilities and potential.

I have to admit though - I don't like having to sit with wet feet. That's really my only qualms with the rain.

There's so much I could say about my new apt. and all of the things that I have to do tomorrow and people that I have to meet, and my massive to-do list, but I'm not going to.

I'm going to go and listen to the rain.

Unable

Once upon a time there was a heroine who was unable to sleep. She would lie down in her small room at night and close her eyes, but sleep eluded her. She counted sheep. Drank warm milk. Ran miles before bedtime. But nothing worked.

After lying still with her eyes closed for some time, she would eventually sigh and open her eyes again, and gaze around her darkened room. She was amused at how everything looked different in the dark, and yet it was all the same. For nothing in it had changed.

When there was a moon, it kept her company by shinning in gently through her window. The heroine and the moon became great friends and the heroine missed the moon deeply when, as it sometimes happens, the moon disappeared from the sky for a night.

During her long conversations with the moon and sometimes the stars (though they take forever to reply) the heroine was told that there was nothing missed by the fact that she could not sleep. They told her that sleep was overrated, and yet the heroine would look at the morning faces of people and she realized that being unable to sleep, caused something terrible to happen inside of her. For by being unable to sleep she was thus unable to dream.

trip pics on fb

Should you care to look at them, I just posted the pics from my trip on fb :)

home again home again jiggity jog

Well being back in Toronto is strange I will admit - it's like leaving a place exactly as you left it. However, it is nice to be home. Sleeping in a familiar bed, and being able to wake up when you want to.

Today was an errand kind of day which involved, helping my brother buy a shirt for prom, going to the doctors, grocery shopping, and making a mad dash through ikea because we thought the store closed at 10 but it doesn't it closes at 9. Needless to say, we have to go back.

I uploaded the pictures from the trip today and I only have 160-ish more to name. Also the hockey game is tied at 2. I want the pengs to take it.

I also went to my Babcie and Dziadziu (polish for grandmother and grandfather)'s house and had an omlette for lunch. No one makes omlettes like my Dziadziu. It was amazing.

Aloha Hawaii

Today is my last day in Hawaii. I fly out tonight on an 11:05 pm flight and then I fly to Vancouver and then from there to Toronto. The trip is basically over.

It's been hilarious times I must say. My nana has had many good one liners that I now have no doubt where I get my dirty mind from or the quick retorts.

So quick update:
I'm burnt
I can't believe Detroit is beating the peguins 2-0 in the series.
I want Chinese food from Sherway gardens (a mall by my parents house).
I just bought the book Sex God by rob bell and I like it so far. It's really interesting.
Nick and I might be on the same flight from vancouver to toronto tomorrow.

I'm watching someone light torches around the pool and hotel area. I'm going to go enjoy Hawaii for another couple of hrs.

On the beach

Today is a VERY lazy day. All we've done today is sit either by the pool or on the beach. Knowing me I probably have some ridiculous burn that I will realize and feel in a couple of hours.

Tonight we're dressing up a bit and going to this fancy restaurant. I get to wear the new summer dress that I bought though and I think I look pretty good in it lol.

Crap...my knee is starting to hurt...only I would burn a knee...

Relaxing

So today in Hawaii we woke up late, had breakfast basically on the beach. Then we went shopping again lol. I bought 2 new books to read though and Roz and Meiling I think you'll like this new author I found. Her name is jane green. The book I just bought is a chick book and totally hilarious so you guys should go and check it out.

This afternoon and evening we went to a la'au which was really cool. There was a show, some crafts, some houla dancing, a fire dance, and of course a lot of food.

Plan for tomorrow = all day beach. Hey I need a tan.

We have saturday and Sunday here and then we fly back Sunday night to Toronto. No idea what we're going to do Sunday but I'll let you know lol.

Here in Hawaii

Let me get on thing straight right from the get go - I do not enjoy flying in any way shape or form OR by any stretch of the imagination. I can endure flight and I like where it takes me but I don't actually like flying.

So I endured the flight. And now I'm in Hawaii - with free Internet no less.

Today we went shopping and I got some things that look good on me I must say. And then my mom and I went to the beach (the hotel is literally on the beach) and sun tanned for a bit. Then we went for dinner and took a night time stroll along the beach.

Tomorrow we're going to a lu'au which my mom wants to do. Nana wanted to go see another island but you have to fly and it's not cheap. So we decided not to do that.

Starbucks is also attached to our hotel so I think I will end this hear and go drink my starbucks drink.

Christchurch

So this morning started off rough - as it at 12:30 am last night I got a panic attack which was just lovely. And then I woke up about 4 more times that night. And this morning when i actually woke up at 6 am my cough was back at fully force. OTHER than that, today has been pretty sweet. We're in Christchurch today so we got to explore the city a bit. It's such a beautiful city. There are massive amounts of parks and green space too. It's just a really cool city to wander around in.

Our flight leave Christchurch tomorrow morning at 6:55 am to Auckland, then from Auckland to Hawaii at 11 am. We get into Hawaii at 11 pm on Wednesday (it's Wednesday right now for me) so I get to repeat Thursday basically. cool for living a day twice lol.

I really like NZ. It's a really cool place. I hope I can come back some time again. My tour guide Laurel told me that if I ever needed a place to stay that i could just email her and tell her that I'm coming and she would give me a bed in her house. I thought that was wicked.

So yeah, that's it from NZ I guess. Next post will be from Hawaii.

Dunedin

Well I'm in Dunedin today. It's a Scottish city actually, and it's also very hilly. Still cold here but that's alright. Only 2 more days and then I'm flying out of here. But in all honest NZ is really beautiful and the people are awesome. I like it. Today we went on a tour of this house from a very prominent family from back in the day who did a lot of charity work and such. It's a beautiful old house and has all of the modern conveniences of its time. The other options were a castle and a brewery that we could have gone to but I got outvoted on this one. Mind you my mom and nana came with me on the 4WD LOTR tour so I can't complain lol.

Tomorrow were going to Mt. Cook and then the next day it's Christchurch and then we're flying to Hawaii. I only have like a week left of this trip and 2 weeks until I'm back in K-town. I'm excited to get back to K-town I have to say. I have plans for this summer that I'm excited for.

Christian I think you'll like Dunedin if you come. It's cold here - but it's a damp wet cold not the cold like in Canada. But it is really beautiful and the university here was voted best in the country so if you're going to come to NZ for school here is the place to come.

Some Random Town

ok, I honestly don't know how to spell the name of the town that I'm in at the moment. And this is going to be a short blog because I'm exhausted. So we woke up at 5 am this morning, had breakfast at 6 and left at 7. We then drove to Milford Sound which is a world heritage park and we stopped off at different little scenic sights along the way which were beautiful of course. And then we took a boa of the ford/fyord whatever you call it - land on either side, river/sea in the middle. Beautiful waterfalls, mountains, trees growing on mountains. Have you ever heard of a tree avalanche? I saw the remains of one today. It's when a tree or two on the mountain is too top heavy and because there isn't a lot of soil on a mountain it gives way and then takes out the rest of the trees near which take out trees near them etc etc. because they're all holding onto the mountain rather loosely.

After the boat, we drove back to the hotel (cause all of that took all day) and we're eating dinner in an hour. I am currently wearing 2 sweaters because NZ does not have central heating - including in this hotel and so our room as 1 space heater in it and the room is a suite and so it's bloody cold. It wasn't until this trip that I realized how much I love central heating.

Tomorrow we're going to Dunedin (DUN-E-DIN) for the night, and then Mt Cook, and then Christchurch which we fly out of the next day to Auckland and then Hawaii. I'm in NZ until Thursday (which is Wednesday for Canada people). And once I get to Hawaii and it's the same day again cause I'm going backwards in time so I relive May 28th.

LOTR Site Tour

So this morning I went on an amazing 4 wheel drive tour of some of the
LOTR sites. It was completly awesome and the best thing that has
happened to me on this trip. I totally loved it. I had tea this
morning on the location where they shot of the scene of the 9
Ringwraiths on one side of the river and Arwen on the other when she
says to them about Frodo "if you want him come and claim him". I also
saw a mountain range where they shot a lot of stuff. The river that
the 9 paddle down in Elvish boats, the river where Aarogorn (yeah I
spelt that wrong, I'm too tired to think at the moment) before he
climbs onto his horse's back. I also saw the mountain where they
filmed the wargu (those hyenas on steroids) attack, and where Aargorn
falls off the cliff. I saw the path that Isludor travels down when
Gladerial is explaining the beginning of the movie as a voice over.

Since it was 4 wheel drive, we drove up a river and down a river. We
drove up crazy mountains paths with 200 foot drops on one side. It was
awesome.

My Nana was terrified for most of the trip but she kept up her own
sassy remarks and made everyone laugh while she had my mother's arm in
a death grip, and in general we all had a really good time. Our
driver's name was Niki.

When we got back, we relaxed in the hotel room for a bit, and then
walked around town and had some lunch. And now we're back at the hotel
and going to chill until dinner. Tomorrow we have to our bags packed
and ready to go at 6 am and we're leaving at 7.

Not including today we have 5 more days here and then we're on to Hawaii.

I'm having a good time but I'm tossing between whether the trip feels
really long or really shot - sometimes it's one and sometimes it the
other lol.

Some food that I'm dying to have though is: frosted flakes (the best
cereal in the world), jasmine tea and honey, subway or quizzinos,
mcdonalds (sadly lol) and perogies.

Queenstown

Today we are in Queenstown. Last night we were in Wanaka and the hotel was funny. They only had space heaters so we had one in the main room and one in the bathroom, and then there were electric blankets. This morning we spent 45 min in the town of Wanaka walking around and checking out some stores. Then we went on to Arrowtown which a gold rush town (the town sprang up because of the gold rush that happened there in the 1800s). We walked through their little museum and did some more shopping. The town is really small, and it's closed in by mountains but it's really beautiful. I mean imagine waking up to mountains every morning? Apparently snowboarding and skiing in the area is really good too. After Arrowtown we came to Queenstown.

The hotel we're staying at here is called Sofitel and apprently it's a 5 star of pretty damn near it. This is going to sound spoiled and brattish but I really like staying in 5 star hotels when I don't have to pay for them. There's a walk in shower and a jacuzzi in the bathroom, plus the bathroom floor is heated. Also in the mini bar there's this little box of condoms that looks like a briefcase and on it, it says "just in case", for some reason we found it really amusing.

We did some shopping around Queenstown, and we're going out to dinner along the wharf tonight. Queenstown is really beautiful too - lots of mountains again. It kind of reminds us of Banff in Alberta or even Jasper, it has that sort of feel to it. Tomorrow we're going to go and see some of the sights of where they filmed LOTR, which I'm excited for. After that we have the rest of the day to explore Queenstown.

Apparently Queenstown is the adventure capital of NZ. You can bungee jump, or jump off mountains and cliffs with a parachute, white water raft, jet boat etc etc. It's also a popular destination for people from overseas who want to go abroad and work and everything.

On a personal note lol my cough is getting a bit worse and I've had to start taking my puffer which is really annoying though I have to admit I can breathe alot better after I take it lol, and it's also bloody cold here. Winter apparently has come early to NZ as some locals have been saying. No matter though, I mean what's cold to a Canadian right? (yeah we all know that I'm a bad Canadian on the feeling the coldness front) and in less than a week I'm in Hawaii so I can handle the cold for a few more days lol.

This internet is free today which I'm quite happy about. I've spent so much money on internet, postcards and stamps I tell you. But it's been worth it lol.

HUG!

Love from NZ

Wanaka

So tonight we're in the town of Wanaka. It's cold-ish here. Frost on the ground. Temperature of 2 degrees this morning and did I mention I only have a spring coat? Apparently winter is coming early this year. Even the locals are surprised.

Today we drove through mountains which were completely majestic and snowy and everything that mountains are suppose to be. We also saw some rapids and rivers and a salmon farm too. Today was a very scenic day. It was absolutely beautiful. Everything just took your breath away.

Tomorrow we're going to go to Queenstown and were spending saturday there as well (which would be Friday for everyone in Ontario). I get to go to some of the LOTR sites then. I'm excited.

We only have 7 more days here and then it's off to Hawaii. It was funny today the porter came into our room to deliver some stuff and he stayed chatting to the three of us for a good ten minutes and my nana was in bed reading and so she's just chatting away to him asking where he's from and stuff (he asked us first which was how the convo started to begin with). There are so many ppl in this country who are not actually from nz it's funny.

Also I finished the book Velvet Elvis tonight. Such an awesome book. Totally blows your mind and gets you thinking. I liked it alot.

Hug!
Love from NZ.

St. Joseph

Today we're in a tiny-ish hotel in St. Joseph NZ on the south island. We're only here one night and then tomorrow we go on to Wanaka for a night. I have 8 more days here and then it's on to Hawaii for 3 days and 4 nights. I have to say the south island is cold, though it is really beautiful.
This morning we were up at 5:30 am (just like yesterday) and we drove to look at mountains (and we drove up and down mountains today) and a glacier. We also saw how jade or greenstone as it's called here is mined and crafted and stuff. It was really cool. I slept on the bus until basically lunch cause last night I woke up about every hour. We gained 9 more people on the tour today (people come and go) and tonight we're having drinks at 7 pm with all of us and then dinner at 7:30 pm,

That's really all to report today. The scenery is still as beautiful as ever, even if it is colder.

Nelson

Ok, shortish blog of life because I don't have much internet time left:

1. In Nelson on the south island
2. took a ferry this moring that was 3.5 hours to the south island.
3. very beauitful
4. water calm as anything though i still feel like i'm on the boat (hey I'm not a good boat person)
5. Walked around Nelson and did a little shopping.
6. Wished we could have spent more time in Wellington
7. Thanks for all those who emailed me :) It was like I was getting a hug from around the world lol
8. I'm really tired can you tell?
9. No idea where we're going to tomorow - although I do know we're stopping at the place where they carve jade here (actually the NZ-ers call it greenstone)
10. Miss you guys.

Wellington

This morning was an early start. Wake up was 6 am. Breakfast was 7 ish
and we had to be on on the bus by 8. The bus however left without us
this morning.

We got there (no word of a lie at 8 am like we were suppose to) and
the bus was already on the street pulling away (apparently our guide
who counts to make sure we're all there, counted Wellington numbers
because 3 people from our tour are leaving us today, so she thought
she had everyone and didn't). So the hotel people called the bus,
called the APT company, and 5 minutes later or so the bus came back
with our guide and driver apologizing, and then we were apologizing.
In the end it was all good.

So we finally got onto the bus. Then we went to this steam plant
(because the area has thermal heat) and they use the heat to make
electricity, which was really cool.

Then we went and saw a waterfall that led out into some rapids a bit.

We arrived in Wellington (which is seriously not called the Windy City
for nothing. Kingston has got nothing on Wellington) and we went up
Mt. Victoria which is actually where they filmed part of LOTR. It's a
really lovely wooded area with a lot of trees and greenery and then
when you get to the top it has a fantastic view of Wellington. Peter
Jackson lives just north of the city and his Weta Workshops (where
they did all the graphics and such for the movie) are around the
harbour on Matamar (didn't spell that right). We're only in Wellington
for the evening though and so we don't have time to go and see.

The hotel here in Wellington is ridiculous. Nana and I are sharing one
and it's beautiful, and Mom has one to herself and it's like a suit.
They also have littely toy duckies in the bathroom (1 per room)
wrapped up in plastic packaging for you to use. I'm so taking it. I
also took a movie of the rooms and everything because we were having a
grand ol' time.

We're going to have dinner in about 20 minutes. And then tomorrow
breakfast is at 6:30 am and we're leaving at 7:15 to catch the ferry
to take us to the south island. It's a 3.5 hour ferry, and part of it
is across open sea so it should be interesting.

The only thing I don't like about the hotel is that the internet kind
of sucks. Firstly it's 10 dollars for 30 mintues. The computers are
older, and even though they have wireless internet you have to $50 for
24 hrs, you can't buy any less than that. Also on their computers they
don't have javascript enabled so I can't access some sights tonight
like twitter. I know, small beans. But you would think for such a ritz
hotel they would have planned their internet out better. Oh well. I'll
live lol.

ALSO
Just because people that I'm on the other side of the world doesn't
mean that I've fallen off the world. I would LOVE to get some kind of
emails from someone. It's rather lonely checking your email and
finding no one's written to you. Out of sight, out of mind eh?

HUG!
Love from NZ

Rotorua

Ok so yesterday I got into Rotorua and I spent the day here today. Tomorrow we're going to Wellington.
Yesterday (which was Saturday) we left Auckland and first went up to Mount. Eden which is actually made from a volcano and at the the top you can see the crater and everything. Very cool. There was a fog over everything too and it had a very peaceful and yet surreal atmosphere going on.

Then we jumped on tbe bus and drove to the caves and saw the glow worms. So the caves (who's actually name excapes me at the moment) are between 4 million and 12 million years old. Formed by water etc. They're deep and absolutely fantastic to walk through. In them there are glow worms.

Glow worms are these little 3 cm worms and only 2 cm of them glow (they're lower half). There's a little rhyme to them too: "I wish I were a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. Cause how you be sad when the sun shines out your bum?"

They live for 11 months. There are 120 eggs laid per glow worm and the 1 egg of out 20 eats the other 20 eggs. They're larva for 7 months then they form a coccoon (like a butterful) hatch again as it were and come out as like a masqueto (yeah didn't spell that right) and then have 3 days to reproduce before they die.

In the cave you go out onto a boat because there's an underwater stream and they cover the ceiling of the caves millions of these tiny little dots of glowing bums (and they're blue). It was really cool.

After that we drove into Rotorua and that night we went to this Mauri concert, where they put on a show of how a tribe traditional was, they're dances, told us some stories. The opening part though, was that we walked down these paths to a stream, and we waited. Then this conch shell sounded and then this lonely wind instrument sounded too. And all around you are Mauri carvings (which are seriously scary looking as they are made to warn off people) and then torches come out, and then on a canoe (which they call a waka) these men came out of the darkness (cause it was night) chanting and singing. It was unbelievable. I took a bunch of videos of it all, so I'll put them up on fb when I get back.

Today we went to see sheep shearing. There are almost 20 different kinds of sheep in NZ. So we were introduced to them all, and then the guy sheared a sheep. We also saw sheep dogs and how they operate, which was cool. One kind of dog is used for small numbers of sheep and doesn't bark, and the other is used for large numbers and does bark. And also jumps all over the sheep to get them moving it was interesting.

After that we went to the gysers. Rotorura is sitting on top of gysers. You walk around this town and there are random fences put up around certain patches of ground and steam just pours out of them because there's boiling water underneath. One of the hottest pools here is over 200 degress. So we went to this gyser place (two words but I can't spell it, it's in Mauri) and they showed us these crazy gysers that can shoot out water up to 15 m in the air. We also saw the bottom half of Kiwi cause it was burrowed it it's little tunnel and you only saw the backend. They're endangered here and they're trying to breed them and bring them back.

After that we went to meet a friend of my grandmother's Clare who owns a motel here called Cozy Cottages. She also told me to come back backpacking and that she would give me a job. She also said that NZ needs teachers. So we went to her house and had some tea and visited. It was cool.

Now I'm back at the hotel writing this ridiculsouly long post (sorry about that, but awesome if you've gotten this far in reading it. I appreciate it :) and we're going to have dinner in a couple of hours.

So yeah, that's the last 48 hours for me. Tomorrow it's on to Wellington.

Also, I'm currently eating Ruffles salt and vinegar ships which I think is cool cause I don't think we have ruffles salt and vinegar, we only have Lays right?